Marriage at 21, why?

One of my friends I haven’t really been close with come over my house today. We were discussing all my problems and struggles with the break-up. She bought up her relationship with her husband, they have been together 5 years and recently got married back in October. She was definitely doubting her decision for going through with the marriage, and telling me about how bad things really are between them and all the things he puts her through.

Immediately, I wanted to help her out of her situation and I hope that we will continue to talk, and she will figure out what will make her happy. This isn’t the first time, I’ve had to help a friend get out of a relationship. My best friend was with a guy for 5 years as well, and they have a daughter together. I spent a good part of the last year convincing her to leave him because I knew it was what was best for her and her daughter. Where I am going with this post is my heart really goes out to my friends, anyone really, in desperate need of getting out of a relationship. It breaks my heart to see people being treated so bad by the one they love.

I was in a mentally abusive relationship with a guy for a little over 2 years. He said things to me that I will never forget. He would call me a whore because of things I wore, and wouldn’t go with me if I didn’t change. If I put on any make-up, he tried to say I was trying to look for someone else. If I even spoke to another guy, all hell broke lose. I couldn’t hang out with my friends, family, or have any alone time. He used to get angry with my driving, how I played video games, basically if I breathed the wrong way he was pissed. It got so bad that when I was working he said the only reason I had a job was to spoil myself more. He would go through my phone, my history on my computer, he even started looking at my gas. He would be like where have you been? It doesn’t take that much gas to get there, blah blah, blah. He really tore me down and put me in a low place. I felt dirty, like I wasn’t good enough, and I just wasn’t happy at all. And I wanted to marry this man?!?!

Marriage is a huge commitment and it is so hard to get caught up in the idea of happiness, building your life with someone, and living the rest of your lives with them. But, for some reason, I have noticed woman try to change their men to suit what they deserve and desire. This isn’t right, you shouldn’t have to change someone or wait from them to change their ways. A man should treat you with respect from the very beginning, and care about you unconditionally, never say hurtful things and always make you smile. I have been lucky enough to experience this type of love. I miss it greatly, but I know I can find this love again one day.  I miss him more than anything because he was my dream guy, he was the one who healed my broken heart. I fell so deep in love with him and I honestly know I will never forget him. I don’t want to, and yes a piece of me is still holding on to hope that he will contact me and we can make this work. He told me he had an engagement ring for me at one point when we had broke up in the past, I was overwhelmed. I never got the chance to really see if that was the truth or not. He was suppose to get me a promise ring first because he felt it was the right thing to do since we were financially not ready.

For the longest time, my dream was to find a man, get married, move out, and have kids, the typical American story. But now that everything has come crashing down on me and I can see things clearly, I am glad we didn’t get engaged. I am not ready for that yet. I still have so many things I want to do with my life before I start planning a wedding and thinking about kids. That all needs to come later on and I’m tired of that dream being a disappointment. I am ready for a new dream to come into play, my dream to travel. It needs to happen, I can’t ignore what my heart desires and that is a journey, an adventure, a change of scenery.

So why get married at 21? We have barely even lived our life at all, why should we settle down so quickly? Why is it almost everyone from my high school has at least 1 or 2 kids? There is so much more to life than getting married and having kids. I don’t understand it, all I know is I’m not jumping on the bandwagon, I’m running away from it.


3 thoughts on “Marriage at 21, why?”

  1. Because you went through a bad experience, you develop realistic expectations. More importantly, you learn what you can live with, and what you can’t. In reality, you can’t change anybody, and just because you’re married doesn’t make the situation any better. When we fall in love with the first person that we feel is worth everything, we rush into marriage in hopes that it’ll confine them so they can’t run away. In reality, it doesn’t. In order to marry someone, we really have to learn about our partners. We can’t learn about our partners when we have a bias. We have to see people and relationships for who/what they REALLY are, and in order to do that…you and I have to go through tough break-ups so that we can see the TRUE side of the story instead of this fairytale story that we thought we had. Now when I get back into a relationship, I’m going to be able to see red flags, and be able to actually solve issues and decide whether she’s worth my time and effort instead of using my emotions to lead me somewhere I know I’m going to fail. 🙂

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