A Pattern

Being alone isn’t easy. It’s not the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s the fact I don’t have many people in my life at all. I find myself checking Facebook, my text messages, and recently dating sites. It is a constant struggle to stay away from these sites. It helps me cope with being so alone. At this point I don’t even want a boyfriend, I’d like to have a friend. Just someone to talk to about my day, someone who will listen to me, and be there during hard times. Sure, finding that special person would be great but it isn’t my primary focus. My primary focus is getting better and not feeling so down. I have started drinking beer about 3 times a week, and I found myself smoking weed a couple of nights this past week. Laying down to go to sleep is starting to become a struggle as well. Everything that I have done, and have lost replays in my mind over and over. I have to remind myself that I am alone in my bed, and that nobody can hurt me there, so I am safe. My anxiety has been through the roof. I have random dreams consisting of my exes and I wake up feeling uneasy and shaky sometimes. I wish it would all just go away.

I know that eventually things are going to get better for me and that I will make more friends. But at the moment, the days seem to fly by and the only people I have is my sister, my mother, and my friend Hannah. I don’t want to sound desperate and I sure don’t want anyone’s pity. I only hope to share this blog so that people feeling similar can relate. The dating sites are not really helping as much as I hoped for because I don’t really know what I want. Every time a guy messages me I find something wrong with their profile and don’t message them back. Actually I think I am just going to go delete it right now. As always, I sign up and then delete it a few days/weeks later but it is wasting my time. I need to break the habit. I have to figure out why I continue to search for happiness in all the wrong places. The only way to figure it out is to tough through these lonely emotions and be happy all by myself. I am tired of continuing on this same pattern.

I forgot to to talk about how lately I have been thinking about my ex. I don’t want to admit it but I miss him sometimes. I have to figure out these feelings and get rid of them. I don’t need to go backwards here. I need to move forward with my life and it’s obvious he is not apart of my life anymore. I’ll keep pushing and pushing…

This habit of signing up for dating sites, missing my ex, and getting down has to break, before I do…


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