For the past two nights, I have been restless. The thoughts of what I have lost have really been bothering me. Just a few minutes ago, I finally cried a few tears but I have learned to push them back. It is true I just need to have a good cry and maybe I would feel better. Hopefully by writing this blog, the tears will flow as do the words on the screen in front of me. It seems this emptiness, alone feeling is becoming my new normal. The truth is I am still stick in this same pattern. On dating websites. It makes me feel less alone and I enjoy good conversation. I do hope to meet someone legit but for now I am satisfied with talking to random guys. I stopped being so picky and started talking to other guys who aren’t really that attractive to me. It doesn’t matter, it someone to talk to at this point. I feel desperate and I know I need to work through some things right now. I am on the edge of another breakdown, I can tell. I am finally more and more alone every day.
Also, I know I have developed a dependency for alcohol and herbs, once again. It is not something I am bragging about or suggest anyone else develop.
OKAY PISSED OFF. I had an entire post written and it’s just gone. Just like that fucking gone. I had so much written that I needed to see. So time for me to recap the best I can. But I am just not in the mood to rewrite everything, let me grab the second beer.
Alright, thanks WordPress way to mess up my buzz. Anyways let me try to remember what I had originally wrote in this blog. I realize that I am at the bottom right now and that they ONLY way to get to the top is to deal with all these emotions I am feeling. My thoughts have been drifting back to my ex a lot lately. I hate to admit it but I miss him. It makes me sick to my stomach that I still feel that way about him. It cuts down deep to the core. I mean, it’s been almost 5 months and I am still caught up on him. I love him. I thought I had worked through all these feelings already but here I am repeating history once more. I think I just miss having that one person to talk to.
Ever since my bestfriend cut me off, I have been feeling even more alone than before. Times like these are hard. But they are required. Like I said before you can’t get to the top without first being on the bottom. I realize where I am at. I understand where I have been and I know where I want to be. I just have to deal with all the baggage first. I also realize that I am okay. But I am not in a healthy position emotionally. I feel down. I feel abandoned. The guy I was screwing won’t text me, I refuse to text him. The guy I accidently hooked up with because I was drunk on 7 beers won’t reply to my texts wishing him the best, the guy who took my out on a date never talks to me anymore and my other friends have been distant. I understand that people are busy and I do not blame them nor am I angry. It just makes me feel replaceable, dirty, and unimportant. I really hate that this blog didn’t go through the first time because it hard to rewrite my emotions with the same level of power. UGH. Irritated.
Anyways I have accepted that I have become dependent on the feeling of being buzzed, high, drunk. It is a way for me to feel asleep at night without all my thoughts keeping me up at night. I feel so temporary when I think of those in my past who have walked away. My own father doesn’t even give a fuck. I mean thoughts like this really get me feeling down and questioning myself.
The only way for me to get through this cycle in my life is to deal with this phase. I know I am not living life to my potential. I also realize I am not on the right path, as far as turning to alcohol or illegal herbs. But it is what it is right now. I have accepted my flaws. I know I will not always engage myself in these activities for comfort but for tonight I am going to continue to drink this beer and allow the good vibes to wash over me.
I know my blog could be more inspirational, less personal, and more detailed. But this is me. This is my life. This is my FUCKED up situation. No I am not proper, I do cuss when I want. I am not here to impress anyone. I simply write this blog for clarity and to put my experiences out there. I hope that whoever reads this, if anyone can get some insight, knowledge, just something from it that would make me happy. Maybe even learn from my mistakes. I am not always positive but I will always acknowledge the positivity exists. Of course I am negative right now because I don’t feel up to par. I am finding happiness at the end of a bottle. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or have pity towards me.
Like I said, I am rambling now because I desperately wish my past blog post would have saved instead of this redo. I have to continue to roll with the punches, deal with these emotions as they present themselves in my life. I hope you can respect my honesty. I am not making excuses for myself. It is necessary I write so I can see for myself the truth. I can’t lie to myself.