Worry About Worrying

I drive myself crazy with worrying thoughts everyday. I try to understand that living in the present moment is what is most important. I have to remember that the past is gone, and it’s never coming back. I also, have to keep in my mind the future is going to take time so I need to slow down my thoughts, yet I have to remember to think things through so that my future can be successful.

Sometime’s I found myself caught up in an idea, or a dream I would like to pursue and it becomes obsessive. Lately, I have tried taking my own advice, which is, enjoy the moment because it’s the only one we are sure exists. We don’t what to spend the present moment with constant worrying, that isn’t really living life to your potential. Throughout the day it is a constant battle for me to keep myself from getting caught up in what if’s, could of been’s, and next thing I know I am in some type of fantasy world, or alternative reality. At times, I do relive the past and I am working on not spending too much time thinking about it. I know it is important to have dreams and goals. But for me once I think about something I really want to do, I can’t seem to stop obsessing over the thought. For example, my ex is suppose to be on his way over whenever he gets off work to get the rest of his things. I can’t stop imagining the situation. How I want things to play out? If they go that way, then what? If they don’t, how upset I’m going to be? Will he be angry, will he be happy to see me?

Soon anxiety is running through my whole body and I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t focus on anything but that moment. This is the way everything has been for me for at least the past 5 years, if not longer. Another example, I started a new job back in September and I was a baker. The whole night I couldn’t turn off the thoughts, what if I can’t make the food right? Will I even like the job? After a few weeks in, the anxiety became worse because the job was too stressful because I couldn’t keep up with the demand in the bakery, this wasn’t my fault, they needed more people to help me.

Long story short, because I could literally be here for days explaining my anxiety and how it has been tough for me throughout the years doing the simplest things. I worry about worrying about worrying.

When is it time to say enough is enough? At this point, I strongly believe it has became an unhealthy lifestyle, and sometimes I feel so out of control of my own mind, it is exhausting. Is there such thing as thinking too much?

False Hope

People use the term false hope quite often, myself included. They say to always have hope and then some say don’t carry false hope. Sometimes it can be tough determining the differences between the two. I would like to believe hope means believing in something that could happen, and it if was to happen it would have a positive result on your life. I don’t think that is a bad thing, yet nobody wants their to give their hopes up. You have to decide is the hope worth the pain, it is worth the risk of being let down? What are the odds that the hope you have will even be met, it is logical? Does it make sense? No matter what you believe, be very careful, when using the word false hope.

When it comes to believing in a person, if they have proved to you once they can do something, you know for a fact they can do it again, yes put hope in them. If that person has consistently let you down, then you probably should understand it would be in your best interest to let the hope go and focus your energy on something that’s going to benefit your life. If they change, or prevail then great, if they don’t you haven’t lost anything.

When it comes to a relationship, I personally believe the hope that it is going to work out should always be in play, up until one or the other decides to walk away. It is one thing if they walk away for the wrong reasons, such as cheating. But if someone is walking away to better themselves, and initially because they care so much about you they don’t want to hurt you. Then, yes hold out hope if you believe it is right in your heart. Don’t let people say you are carrying false hope. It is your decision and you should always be prepared for the chance to be let down in any situation in life.

Please feel free to share your opinions!

Addictions

Addictions can be hard to understand. It is never easy for someone to realize they are addicted because they do not believe it is a real problem. They often feel misunderstood, embarrassed, guilty, depressed, along with so many more emotions. I am writing this today because I have finally taken control of my addiction of smoking weed and I long to help my current ex-bf overcome his addiction and his struggles to escape from them.

An addiction can be anything, such as shopping, looking at porn, overeating, watching tv, playing games, any habit that is used to escape your true feelings. A place to hide, a place to ignore reality and a place to not feel.

For the longest time, I used weed as a tool, a crutch, when times were getting tough it was the easy way out. For example, I started smoking weed when me and my ex-bf ended our 2 year relationship. I was talking to a new guy who sold weed, and it was something my ex never “allowed” me to do. I was tired of being controlled, I was tired of feeling the pain, and plus everyone else was doing it, so why not?

Weed became the thing I used to fall asleep at night, before long I wasn’t able to sleep without it. I told myself, it wasn’t an addiction because I didn’t do it all day, and some days I went without so I’m not that bad. Well I was wrong, my bad habits carried on with my next boyfriend Zach, he as well sold weed. I was happy to finally have someone to smoke with who was my boyfriend because I had never had that before. I didn’t realize that it would only make things more difficult. Looking back, so many memories with him are cloudy, and some I am not even sure happened the way I remember because we were high together so much of our relationship.

These bad habits carried on to my last relationship with Brant. He never had touched weed a day in his life and he greatly wanted me to stop but never threatened to leave me because of it. I couldn’t see that he was always trying to help me because he really cared about me. I was caught up in my pride, of being that girl that never wanted to be controlled again. I hurt him deeply because of it, I hung out with a guy he was uncomfortable with just so I could smoke for free. I made excuses for myself, telling him it was a way to relieve my stress and he would have to deal with it.

Now that me and him are separated I can see how much weed damaged my life and hurt the ones I loved. The last time I smoked, was a few days after our break-up. I felt I had to because weed has helped me in the past but it only made things worse, I started to feel guilty. That’s when I decided to take a stand and change my life, Brant’s words will always be the ones I hear and my motivation to never go back to weed. I can only hope to help him through his battle with his addictions.

I understand addictions are not easy to overcome, but once you realize you have a problem. That is step one. The time is now, stand up and be strong, you can change your life right now. Throw away your beer, resist the urge to go shopping or the desire to watch just one more porn video. All these things mask the truth, they are slowly destroying you and understand you are only hurting yourself more by covering up your emotions in your addiction.

TAKE CONTROL.

From the Outside, Looking In

This was something I wrote awhile back and I hope to share it the world and see what people have to say about my opinions.

Who is to question how we must live our lives? Who is to judge the importance of our actions? An individual’s view of their own lifestyle is the only thing that should truly be important to anyone, we the people should respect each and everybody’s perspective on life.  We should not try to change anyone nor mold them to be alike. Difference and originality is what this world is lacking, open minds and honest hearts seem to be vague
these days. We must interfere in our personal undertakings before we destroy ourselves beyond repair.

What if what we perceive isn’t really the truth? What if there is more that we aren’t seeing? Everything we have ever known, everything we have always believed in, things that we have been taught to be the truth and the people we have honored, we take it in without any question. What if these topics were challenged, and looked into farther than the surface. What would we find? Would everything be just how we see it now, or would more truths come into light. Would we be able to accept the idea that we are silently being manipulated into an illusion of reality?  A false vision of how we are supposed to live our own lives? What if everything you thought was right turned out to be wrong? We are lost.

We have ventured onto a path filled with self-destruction. A path so cruel that you don’t even realize you are fading away from living life. How do we gain the courage to turn around and see where we started from? How have we come this far without questioning why we are going this way? We may never have the answers we seek if we don’t stop in our tracks and ask ourselves what it is that would make us happy. Use your imagination, really take time to think impossible thoughts, and then decide what’s important?

Once your back is turned and you decide to go in reverse, things may seem foggy, less clear. But that is the point, how exactly did we all get here? Why must we travel down this road that we have been placed upon? What if we decide to take this stand and move in another direction? Stop this madness, be yourself. How can you even know who you are if you are too busy trying to fit into this idea of society. We are humanity.

Ever since we can remember our lives have consisted of going to school to obtain an education in order to get a job, buy a car, get married and invest in a house, then start a family; repeat. The next generation will then do the same; we need to get out of this routine. Slow down and analyze what is going on around us. We must view our lives as a third party and break apart every action and ask ourselves why are we living this way? Most people will think to themselves that it is the only choice they have to be happy and succeed in life. We are missing pieces to this puzzle.

There is more out there than we have knowledge of and the question is why has this knowledge been pushed aside? We are blindly being controlled and shown how to live our lives. From day one, we start out in elementary school and are taught everything we need to live this life.  We are put into a system, and other people decide what is important to be taught in school. Yet, have you ever considered what you learned could be false or pieces of the story may me missing? Truth be told, people learn what the system wants them to learn and nothing more. We are not being challenged enough, our potential isn’t being met. We are so much more than what we are becoming. Knowledge is all around us, yet we are oblivious. We must expose ourselves to history, science, and nature. We must push ourselves to learn more than what we are tested on in school. Certain people don’t want us to have knowledge that is why we are all treated the same, and taught in the same way.  We are being dumbed down and we don’t even know it. If you don’t believe this statement, try to read a book written a few hundred years ago. You will find it is very difficult to follow, and many words will seem foreign to you. Take the time to analyze some of these words you cannot understand and think to yourself, how come these words were never exposed to me?

The truth is words are powerful. If we were to broaden our vocabulary it could benefit us in many ways. If we don’t know any better than what we are taught, how would we know if we were being controlled or manipulated? Do you know the difference between fact and fiction?  We are responsible to educate ourselves in this world and we must not ignore this.

Down in the Dumps

Have you noticed yourself being down lately, feeling like nothing ever goes right for you. Asking yourself why is it always me? What did I do to deserve this fate?

Stop. Quit all the negative self-talk. You are not to blame. Things happen no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try to avoid them. It isn’t going to change anything or make anything easier on yourself by blaming yourself. Shit happens, most of the time there is nothing we can do about it. For whatever reason unknown to us, life doesn’t go the way we want it. Sometimes it feels as if the weight on your shoulders is too much to bare. The sayings it is always something, or it never fails, I can’t win for losing, all these are right. Truth is we can not control the things that happen to us.There is nothing we can do to stop these things from happening so we need to face the fact that life isn’t fair but we have to make the best of the time we are given here.

Feeling guilty? Are you replaying the past over and over in your head? Wishing there was something more that could have been done or if one more word would have been said, maybe things would be better and this wouldn’t have happened. You can’t go back and change the past, understand what happened, and learn from your mistakes and let the regret go. Every moment has happened to us for a reason, no matter how small or how big, every second we have been alive we have to take something from it. Do not take your life for granted, appreciate the good and bad memories. They have made you who you are today and you should be thankful because you have been able to experience those times and have gained so much more wisdom and knowledge from life.

Feeling anxious, are you thinking about the future? Give it time, slow down, relax. Enjoy the present moment because if you don’t you aren’t really living. Isn’t that what life is for? This is a huge struggle for many because we always thieve to be better and to improve ourselves and our lives. But we can not forget about the present because tomorrow is not promised, we never know what could happen. One day we are here and the next we could be gone. Take the time to really look into the present, and break it apart. You will see things that you never even knew where there. For example, say you have work in the morning and it is a block or so from your house. Maybe you always sleep in for this reason, well what if you took the time to wake up just a few more minutes earlier. Then, walked to work without being in a rush this time. You’re probably thinking okay so? What’s the point?

You could actually enjoy the walk, you could look at your surroundings, look up at the sky and realize just how lucky you are to be alive, we are so small compared to the rest of the world and even smaller compared to the rest of the universe. So breath in the fresh air, start dancing, sing, do whatever you what to do on your way to work, be free and let it all the worry go.

Next time you feel yourself getting down in the dumps, remember these things and that life is what you make it. Do not cheat yourself by being upset. Of course pain is just apart of life and sometimes we have to cry, and be sad just remember to pick yourself up and realize what really matters at the end of the day. It is not what happened last week. It is not what is happening tomorrow. It is the here and now.

Find yourself by letting go of the past

“If you let the past into your present you will destroy your future”

Being alone these past couple of days has really opened my eyes to everything. I have grown so much over the years and overcame so many things. I can only continue to look into my past and learn from it. I have struggled to let go of certain things in my past and they have caused me problems. But I have finally decided it is time to let it go. I can’t change what happened, I can’t worry and dwell on what if’s or could of beens. I have to take what I have at the present moment and run with it.

Over the years, I have been in relationships and learned a lot from them. At first, I would always blame myself once the relationship was over. Then, before I knew it I was talking to someone new. I never really took the time to fully heal. I never took the time to think about being okay and alone. I always wanted to find someone because i felt i needed someone to make me complete. I know now you can only find what completes you in yourself. You are the only one who can make yourself whole. Peace is in us all, as well as love. We do not need another person to find these things because they exist in all of us. I always made the mistake of telling myself overwise, that I needed my partner to be happy, and without them I wouldn’t know what to do. Currently, me and my ex are seperated and I am desperately hoping we can get back together. I have realized that I do not need him to make me happy, but I want him. I am so glad I have been able to break apart my feelings and find exactly what they mean. Everything happens for a reason, I believe this happened so I could stop carrying the baggage, and emotions of my past on my shoulder. It is over, nothing more can be done. I have to forgive those who have wronged me, screwed me over, and disrespected me, cause the truth be told I am the one who is hurting, not them. Now, I can live my life freely because I am finally living in the present moment. I can see everything I did wrong in my past relationships, I see two possibile outcomes.

1. Me and Brant will talk things out, and work on our personal issues. We will know what our mistakes are and and decide on how to make our relationship healthier and stronger, hopefully it will bring us closer in the end. We will both have to make sacirfices in order for it to work, it is never a one-way street.

2. I will have to let him go, focus on getting over him, and not find another person for a long time. Really take time to heal so everything won’t carry on to my next relationship.

People think you have to be alone to work on your problems but that isn’t true, I plan to continue to look in my past and learn from it. I will be at peace with either outcome and I know I will be okay.

We never really need someone else, and once you come to that realization, wanting someone feels way better than believing you need them. Positive thoughts and feelings are the key to recovery. Any emotion that is weighing you down, analyize why you feel that way, what happened, and decide to let it go and get your life back. Regret, guilt, and fear can consume you. When you figure out the root of why you feel that way, you will understand yourself and feel more in control of your life. Your insecurites will tear you apart, I used to always feel like I was never good enough and i didn’t deserve to have happiness. I used to feel unworthy of life, and hated who I was. Now I can look in the mirror and love who I am. It is so important to love yourself because if you don’t how can you expect to ever be with someone else and love them, if you as a person can’t see love in yourself?

Figure out what you want in life, your dreams, you goals, your wants. Be thankful for every person that you have met in life, i strongly believe everyone you meet can influence your life if you let it, you can always benefit from a loss, or a gain of a person in your life. Appreicate the fact you had the chance to live that moment with them, even if it didn’t end the way you wanted. Learn something from it, you owe it to yourself that.

For the first time in life, I am content. I took the hardest situation i have ever been through and turned it around to help me out of the hole I have digging myself into for years. I hope everyone else can who took the time to read this can take something from my experience to help them.