Sometimes, I ask myself why am I living my life this way? Wouldn’t it just be easier to go back to college, get a normal job, and just settle into society’s standards. That’s self-doubt and it sucks. It is something I am sure we are all struggling with among many other emotions. That’s why I started this blog, because I wanted to understand my emotions and ultimately conquer them completely. In 2014, I was at the lowest point I have ever been due to foot surgery and break-up ending all at once. I had invested an incredible amount of time and energy into a relationship based upon this fantasy in my head and also I felt like my college degree was useless, because I feared the worst. In less than 4 months, my entire life was turned upside down. I also had an heated discussion with my dad, more like me telling him exactly how I felt, but the anger and hurt came out, so needless to say, we haven’t talked since. Also, my best-friend at the time quit talking to me all together. I think it was like a 10 year friendship, suddenly gone. I was spiraling down.
(The first month I was taking my pain medication mainly, because I was depressed and numbing out was the solution. I wasn’t overtaking my medication, but I made sure not to miss one dose. I know I have an addictive personality and I had to remember that when I thought about getting more of these to take after I took the last pill. Thankfully, I never actually took anymore, but I know not everyone else is not in the same boat. I live in a neighborhood where many people are addicted to them and I don’t want to go down that path. I have seen where it leads. So, I decided to deal with the pain through writing, because that’s all I felt I had left. Whoa, the emotions coming up as I reflect upon that dark time in my past.
Now, I’m wondering if this blog is too personal? Or am I just being vulnerable? Either way, I feel like the only way that we can truly learn from one another is to open up about some of our deepest struggles.
Alcohol soon became a new friend to me over the years 2014-2016. I went through a 3 month straight downward spiral, I would drink about 3-4 beers almost every night. One day, I realized that I was going down the wrong path yet again with alcohol. Honestly, I have always made regretful decisions when I drank too much. So, the next day I quit. Then, last year 2016, alcohol took it’s grip on me again. I was drinking regularly but not always getting drunk. Then, one night I decided to drive when I shouldn’t have. I didn’t want to stay with the person I was drinking with due to personal reasons. Anyway, long story short, I was arrested and was in the booking/holding areas for like five hours. It felt like the longest night I ever lived. I was completely dehydrated, just worked a double, tired, starving, and emotional. Then, I had to face my parents who had been waiting hours for me to be released. I don’t want to talk too much about what happened, because
I am still on probation. More to come 7/7/17.
777, I wonder if that has some significant meaning. I will have to research that later.
Anyways, this blog become a place for me to escape and get real with myself through sharing my experiences with the world. I have made many of my past blogs private due to the amount of personal information shared. At the time, I was writing under this blog anonymously. In recent years, I have wanted to share some of my writings with my family, friends, and people I meet. I wanted to write about the early struggles that brought me to writing and share why I think it is important to write down what you are thinking, feelings, and what you want out of life. This is where things may get a little inspirational for you. Each person interprets information, images, words, etc with their own perspectives which act as filters to create their own meaning of what they experience. Whether it’s music, art, writing, and other creative personal journeys we are all experiencing something that we have imagined in our minds. I have thinking a lot about different theories and perspectives about life and manifestation the life you want by setting intentions, being mindful, being creative, and and practicing gratitude.
I suppose that by writing about my struggles allows me to understand them more, share the experience with others, and truly heal from past experiences. This entire blog lead me to a path of self-discovery. That is why I feel so attached to it and want to continue to envision things for this blog in the future. I want to help others heal from their wounds by understanding their emotions and ways towards living a more positive, healthy lifestyle based on their personal goals and dreams. I feel strongly that I may be able to do that with this blog.
One of my biggest realizations is that I desire to travel. I decided that I am going on a road-trip next year. Hopefully for three months. I am extremely nervous, but I am ready to make this a reality. The feeling I get when I think about discovering new places in nature and being disconnected from the city is unlike anything I can really describe. The power of wanderlust is so deeply integrated within me. I have been experiencing very vivid day-dreams and even dreaming at night about beautiful nature landscapes and the open road. This dream is alive. And that’s something that I want people to think about.
If this is my dream, what is yours? Imagine if we all starting dreaming up a new way of life? A new way of living. A new society. I get so pumped up thinking about the future and all of the positive changes that are already taking places in all the different communities. We are uniting and deciding that in order to see change is the be the change and that is another part of my life mission. Being the change is something that inspires me daily to do what I do. I have many ideas on ways I want to bring inspiration and positivity into people’s lives.
Anyway’s this is my first blog I have written in awhile. Thank you for supporting me on my journey during this life. In a way this is simply an online diary. And a travel blog in the future. Feel free to comment with your journey.