Tag Archives: pain

DEMONS, DEMONS

“Demons” represent any negative thoughts or energy that may haunt you. For me, demons are things that have hurt me in the past, anything that upsets me or fears in general. Sometimes, I want to stay in the negativity and allow myself to get upset. We are all guilty of this. I just wanted to share and see what the world thinks, I have struggled with anxiety and some depression my entire life, and sharing this allows me to release some of that.

DEMONS, DEMONS

Demons, Demons I don’t know if I am running away or chasing after you?

These thoughts are killing me, yet aide me in such a twisted way
Everyday, loneliness keeps me company, and so do you.

I can’t seem to escape from you, but do I really want to?

Demons, Demons, you’re following me it seems

But, am I holding your hand?

Have I given you the coordinates to my destination?

Or is it you that already knew my plan?

Maybe I don’t want you gone, maybe I want you to come along.

What if, I am running from some, and welcoming others?

Pleasure is laced with darkness sometimes,

Pain wears an unrecognizable disguise.

How could I even tell the difference?

Are you dragging me down or am I pulling you along?

We are inseparable, that is the truth.

I must admit it. I want you here. Yes all of you.

Demons, Demons, you are part of me

It is you that has me chained, and I can’t get free.

Whether or not I have the choice, I’ll never be too sure

Because once I sense you’re not around

I feel myself searching for you once more.

Demons, Demons, oh how I despise you

Thoughts racing through my mind just to remind me

That this game we play, will never be through

You’re to stay, it is might as well be true.

If you were to leave me now, new ones would surely find me

Demons, Demons oh how I embrace you.

 I enjoy the sensations you create inside me.

Oh, I crave the chaos sometimes.

So, I’ll stop running for the slightest moment.

Just to allow you to attack me, harass me, and destroy me once again.

Demons, demons I wouldn’t be myself without you.

Eventually I’ll start to flee and pretend that it’s you I’m running from,

yet we both know that this isn’t over, and this will never be done.

Change of Plans

Sometimes we really think we have our lives figured out and then our plans crumble right in front of our eyes. This could be looked at as tragic or as a blessing. Change is never easy but it is necessary.

My entire life I have been involved in the food industry. I took Culinary Arts in High school and stuck with it all through the years and even went to college for it. Now I have my associate’s degree. I also went to Bartending school which was some-what a waste of about 700 dollars. Fun experiences but nobody will hire me without experience from a bar somewhere. Go figure! What I am getting at is I am about to change my whole world around. I am looking for a desk job. Reason being is that I had surgery back in January on my left foot. At first, it hurt but not that bad, it was tolerable. My job threw two doubles a week at me for the past two weeks. The last few shifts have really knocked me on my ass. My foot hurts incredibly. It stays swollen and I have developed a limp. I can’t live my life like this. For example, this morning around 1ish  I went out downtown with a few co-workers and a buddy of theirs. It was a good time but irresponsible. I had a bad limp walking. It’s like as long as I am on my feet it is fine but as soon as I sit down I am screwed. Basically, I have to keep walking on it to “loosen” it up. It sucks so much and it is kinda embarrassing but I wanted to go out. Not that brightest of ideas. I forgot my ID when we were almost there. My fellow co-worker, who I barely know, says well take my car back and grab your ID. I’m thinking this isn’t a good idea at all but I don’t really have much choice. It was a stupid decision on her part and I don’t know why she would trust me with her car. I was with Luke. Yes, the immature asshole from work, the one who I have already slept with his bestfriend. He’s a red-flag. But he asked me to hang out, and since I already had plans I decided to ask him to come along. No harm done. Except he’s cute and constantly flirting around me. But I am in control and I have resisted any temptations with him. Although, I am starting to believe I am attracted to the guys I know are a bad idea. It is quite strange but I can see this pattern within myself. I suppose it is true we always want what we can not have. In this case I can not have him because he is not good for me. Blah.

Anyways, I am hoping for this desk job at my cousin’s job. It starts off at 17 an hour then goes to 15 an hour with a possible 1000 a month incentive. If I can land that job it would be perfect. 40 hours a week, Monday-Friday. If I don’t get that one, there is another one open for 12 an hour. These jobs involve collecting money from hospitals and customers over the phone. It doesn’t seem like it would be that different to learn. I am a fast learner. Also, one more option I have is at a place this guy on my facebook works at. Two positions. Customer service 16 an hour, land transportation( I think) 14.50 an hour. So I have 4 options. All amazing pay. All I can do is have hope that I will get one of them. I need something reliable and with benefits. I am getting older and I have to start planning for my future. Serving tables aren’t gonna cut it like I thought it would.

Another new change, I am 90 percent sure I am going back to college for business. Not only would it give me more options for jobs but I may still be able to pursue my goal in the future. Opening my own catering business. I love to cook but I haven’t in months, due to surgery, break-up, working, laziness, etc. But no more! Tuesday night, it’s on! I am gonna cook my favorite chicken dish. It is not going to be easy because this was my ex-boyfriend’s favorite thing I made for him and it was the last meal I made when he decided not to show up and send me a text saying it was over for good. WONDERFUL. So needless to say I am going to be emotionally challenged but I am not going to let it stop me. My mom also really loves this dish and I am going to use that as my motivation to replace the negative emotions and thoughts of my ex. She has done so much for me and helped me in ridiculous amounts. I feel it is the least I could do is make this for her. Not to mention we didn’t even have an Easter dinner. I wanted to make it tonight, but my foot is so bad. The past few days, when I got off I asked my mom to bring the crutches to the car cause I didn’t want to put anymore pressure on it. I usually get my ice pack but lately, I have been going straight to the bath. I can’t live this way…I can take physical pain pretty well but I have cried and cried because of this pain in my foot. I can’t take it anymore. I hope by cutting back my hours this week it won’t be so hard on me. Rant over. College, work, and new opportunities in my future. Single and honestly, I don’t have time for someone when I need to figure out all these things for myself! No need for disappointments. If something happens, then it happens but I am not going out of my way to find it.

Poetic Feelings

Poetic Feelings

I wouldn’t take back any of the days that we spent together.I wouldn’t wish my life any different than it is right now.

Yet I find myself thinking if only the moments we lived with one another were longer. But I can’t ponder.

I must go on each and every day and learn to leave those who walked away.

They always seem to find their own stealthy way to creep into the cracks of my mind.

Between the holes in my wall I continue to build up so high. Soon I’ll be hearing the words they used to say.

Holding back the tears I try not to cry. I must not let these thoughts consume me.

Although the pain feels like needles running through my veins. I have to remain in the here and now. But how?

There is no way to completely forget the love I gave to you. Remembering our past is becoming a difficult task.

The life we made will only continue to fade. Even as time flies by I still question why?

Decisions you made will forever be yours to own and it’s not my fault you never picked up the phone.

Maybe you’re a little too lost to understand yourself maybe I’m too far gone to care.

The reasons you left will always be yours to hold. Our future we planned will never unfold.

This is your fate that you planned. Goodbye. That date is craved on our conscious for the rest of our lives.

So every time i start missing you, it wasn’t me it was you who was through.

I gave you my all and you watched me fall. I must never regret feeling any of the emotions

I felt for you because at one time they were true.

We must live and learn. Love and forgive.

Pain is Just A Thing

Pain. It makes us who we are. We have two options when it comes to pain. Let it destroy us or let it change us. There are experiences in our lives that cause us pain, it is unavoidable. It will happen to us all. We may never understand why we have to feel pain but we must accept that pain is a part of life. There is no escaping pain, there is not a way to get rid of pain. Pain is something we must live with and carry around with us every day for our entire lives. It is a very unfortunate feeling but pain doesn’t have to consume us. We have to understand that pain causes us to feel other negative emotions such as regret, sadness, loneliness, helplessness, shame, rage, anger, agony, distress and misery. These are some of the most commonly recognized emotions because these emotions are what we feel first because of pain. For example, I am dealing with a broken-heart among past feelings due to other bad experiences in my life. All this really hurts all the time right now but I am not letting it conquer me. I feel down, lonely, irritated, frustrated, regretful, sadness, and confused. All because of one thing: pain.

Sorrow is a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others. Misery is a state or feeling of great distress or discomfort of mind or body. Agony is extreme physical or mental suffering. Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. Regret is feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, esp. a loss or missed opportunity). Distress is extreme anxiety, sorrow, or pain.

I just wanted to define a few emotions to make a point. All of these are negative and well only hurt us more if we don’t realize pain for what it is. It is alright to feel them and it is impossible not to feel them at some point during our lives. But we can not get too consumed in these emotions because they can lead to more negativity such as depression. Pain also causes us to make poor decisions. We are all guilty of masking our pain, trying to cover it up, and throwing it to the back of our minds. We just pretend it doesn’t exist or ignore it altogether. Some people use alcohol, weed, pills, or other drugs. Some develop compulsive behavior, such as gambling, shopping, pornography, etc. Others use games, books, television, and other activities to escape their feelings. Pain is just a thing, it is what it is. We can not change it, we can not run from it, and we can not hide. Pain will always find you. It doesn’t matter how many beers you drink or how many games you play. Eventually your mind is going to remember what you are trying to avoid and it will come crashing down on you even worse. For example, last night I wanted to drink to have a carefree night without the constant reminder that I lost the man I love. I wanted to stop feeling this knot in my chest for one night. I drink 4 beers and decided to watch a new tv series. You know double up on my escape plan. I should have learned my lesson by now that it never works but sometimes we just have to do it again, just to feel a little better for a short while. I was golden for about an hour and a half, after that I was in tears once again. The pain was coming on stronger than before I started drinking, but I didn’t care so I just downed the whole glass of beer in my hand. Sure, it made me feel better at first, but overall it didn’t change anything. I still hurt the same, I still feel the same knot in my chest. What I am getting at is we need to look at pain and say, “Stop right there. I acknowledge you and yes you hurt me a lot BUT I will not surrender to you. I will feel you only because I know I have to. I have push myself everyday to feel the all the emotions you bring.” We must look at pain in the face, eye to eye and say, “I will overcome you. I will not let you destroy me. I will not let you define me  because I own you.” Pain changes people but it doesn’t have to be for the worst.

Lately, I have been thinking about pain and trying to find something positive to say about it. I have came up with quite a list of things you may not even realize is associated with pain. We can take our pain, and put all those emotions together to create energy. We can turn all that negativity into positive energy. We can make pain our motivation, determination, strength, courage, and our power. We can use pain to drive us. We can use pain to push us towards our goals, our dreams, our passions, and our purpose in life. Pain doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it is all about how you look at it. When you change the way you think about pain, you change the way pain affects your life. When you understand that pain is something that must be felt, then realize that all your feelings can be used to benefit your life as a result you will start to feel much better. For example, I use pain to be my motivation to go to the gym and to become emotional stable. Of course, I feel physical pain because of my work-out but honestly, that is a reminder that I am improving my body. So why not use emotional pain, as a way to improve your mind. Let it guide you into a more positive lifestyle. For me, I am allowing myself to feel so that I can find happiness, love, and peace all within myself. It exists in us all, we must dig deep to feel this way but I can sense myself getting closer everyday. It is not an easy journey and it will not be an quick task to get your mind thinking positive. Yes, I still try to escape sometimes, but that is just part of dealing with pain. At least at the end of the day, I can look back and see how far I have grown because of my past and all the pain I have felt. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I hope to always feel this way. Make pain your inspiration and smile even if it hurts!

Pain makes us stronger. Pain makes us wiser. Pain molds us. Pain changes us. Pain is hope. Pain is your opportunity,

With All the Broken Pieces of My Heart

This is a poem, I wrote about my ex-boyfriend last year, it bought tears to my eyes when i read it again and i felt the need to share it with the world because now that he isn’t apart of my life, the meaning really touches me in a way I can’t explain. Here’s to anyone who has ever lost someone who was there to heal their broken heart from their troublesome past. I will never forget him. I will always cherish him in my heart.

With All the Broken Pieces of My Heart

I love you with every piece of my broken heart, I have right from the start

When pain and sadness is all you know it is hard to believe what you show,

Your kind sweet words soothed me, proved to me the truth

Showed me the path out of the dark shadows of my past

You saved me from myself, from my insecurities eating away in my mind

Consuming me and capturing me in a prison filled with agony and regret

You lead me out, freed me from that horrible sentence, to feel happy again is amazing as ever

I never want to be locked up again so now I have to begin

To forget the bad and allow the good to always be present

Please don’t ever go, my handsome hero…take me to paradise in your arms

It doesn’t hurt when I am there, thanks to your love and care

It is where I always want to be, I will never leave you

Cause if I did I would return as a prisoner as well as a victim to myself

This ensures I will never go, I couldn’t leave the one who stole my heart

And put it back together, yes it is true

I loved you from the start with all the broken pieces of my heart.

Broken Love

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Broken Love

We had a connection right from the start

It wasn’t long before we stole each other’s heart

We were caught up in life’s sick twisted game

Now nothing will ever be quite the same

Our personal problems are to blame

We had nothing to lose, and everything to gain

We were caught up in a mix of pleasure and pain

I was broken, he was broken, we were complete

Too many problems, too many thoughts, too many mistakes

We wanted to fix it all, we wanted to take it all away

We just needed one other to not leave, to stay

All we wanted was for each other to be okay

But we couldn’t put all the pieces back in there place

Not enough time…. no… not this time.

He came into my life with all the right intentions

He had to walk away for all the right reasons.

We had to let each other go, we had to give each other space

All for a small chance, an ounce of hope, just in case

Once we all fully healed, we can meet again

We can have that option to be a friend

Love bought us together and love tore us apart.

When you lost your Love - Love Quotes

Half Empty

empty-closet

Half Empty

Everywhere I look, Everywhere I go

Everything I do, Everything I see

Memories of our love remain in the air

Moments of our life surround me

My bed we shared became ours

yet now it feels half empty

Half of the closet contains empty hangers, half of the shoes are now gone

Drawers contain nothing, and have nothing to fill them

Pictures of us, taken down yet I can still see them

Uncovered walls,  blank spots everywhere

Everywhere around me, is half empty space

In the bathroom it isn’t the same

The absence of your shampoo and body wash

It may sound silly, yet these items were cherished

Every little thing, some big, mostly small

The spaces between my fingers long to be filled

Desires run deep within my body for you

I can’t help but to feel incomplete without you here

Watching television shows, playing video games, reading books

These were our activities, something we did together

Now, doing them just doesn’t feel the same

Our goals, our dreams, our promises still remain in my head

Slowly all these things will fade, with time they will be forgotten

You walked away, you left me here alone

For all the right reasons, yet this feels so wrong

My heart is hurting, my mind is yearning, my soul is burning

You were my other half, my best-friend, my life, my future

I miss everything, I miss you, I miss us