Tag Archives: past

Right Here, Right Now

It is way too easy to get caught up into thinking about the past, or worried about what is going to happen tomorrow.

Start by embracing every moment all the time.

Note what it is you are doing, thinking, and feeling as often as you can.

When you acknowledge what you are doing, it gives it deeper meaning and greater purpose.

By being aware of your thoughts, you can have a better understanding of them.

By realizing how you feel it teaches you how to deal with your emotions and allows you to figure out why you feel a certain way.

You have to keep your mindset right here, right now as much as you possibly can.

 

Inviting Others Into Your “House”

I was sitting here drinking my usual cup of hazelnut coffee with the blinds open, allowing the sun to radiate through the window and onto my skin this morning. The warmth from the rays felt so relaxing and welcoming. I opened my computer and seen my reflection on the screen, observing how the sun was shining on my skin. What I realized is that this whole experience is extremely metaphoric.

Meeting someone new, is like the sun’s rays. Warm and inviting. You want to know more about them, you want to allow them in, to come inside your house, not just shine through your window. It can be very tough to decide whether or not you want to unlock your door. At times, you may choose to go outside and lock to door behind you. Which, is the safest and most secure way of doing things when meeting someone brand new. You wouldn’t just unlock the door to your house and allow anyone you don’t know inside, exposing them to all of your valuables and personal items.

Really, thinking about this deeper, I believe your body, soul, and mind is like a house. You will open the door at some point, whenever you feel is right, and allow a person into your life exposing them to the good and bad parts of your body, mind, and soul. It’s tough, sometimes we aren’t proud of our house, maybe there’s something that needs to be worked on such as the walls need to be painted. This could be compared to a struggle you are going with personally and therefore, you may not feel comfortable allowing a strangers to see your walls full of scratches, holes, and chipped paint. Please, understand that if you decide to cover up the walls with pictures, decorations, or even a fresh coat of paint, that whatever happened to the wall hasn’t been erased. It runs much deeper than that, you have to be willing to look at into your thoughts and figure out what it is that you need to do to make peace with it. This wall isn’t going anywhere and if you try to tear it down, the entire house goes with it. The wall is apart of you now and for as long as you live.

It can be difficult to allow a person into your life, even if they have good intentions, because if you are like me, we have all had our fair share of disappointments. What hurts the most is when you decide you are going to invite someone in, you expose them to your house and all the rooms (different parts of you) you let them explore and get comfortable, only for them to walk out of the door and leave everything behind them. You begin to relate this person to the feeling of coming home and next thing you know you realize that you only feel at home when they are with you. But, you have to remember that the only thing that has changed is them. You still have your house, your walls, your rooms, and your things. Your mind for instance is much like a room of your house. All the emotions, feelings, and thoughts make up a room to your house. Everything that has happened to you as been gathered together and made in your own perspective. You are the creator, you have designed your room to be exactly the way you want it to be. If you don’t like the way your room looks, you can simply change it. You have that power and that’s the beauty of this entire correlation. You may have one thought, which leads to many thoughts, but you may have to explore deeper in order to find the true meaning of why things are the way they are. If you take a look at your room, you will notice that everything in there defines you in some way. There is a reason everything lays where it is now. You may disagree, and argue that you didn’t put certain thoughts into your mind. This is true, but you also may not realize what you have done is taken a thought from someone else and sat down inside the room and forgot about. Now, you are stuck with it and have to figure out where it goes, and trust me you will find a place for it. Even if it means that you must throw it away, because at times you will realize that you have to clean up and get rid of thoughts that no longer serve their purpose to you. Embrace this, we all have trash to take out.

Another thought I have is that you need to build up the pieces of your house to be more stable and supportive, in order to prepare you for someone else’s company. It can be overwhelming when you allow someone to come into your space and if you aren’t ready for it, then you are more likely to push them out of the door, or remove them from your life. It takes some serious time to work on your house and you must be willing to put in that work. This is especially crucial if you have allowed someone into your house, and they didn’t respect you or appreciate you. One of the most painful things to go through, is allowing someone to walk in the door of you mind, relax in your thoughts, and explore your body and then, they walk out and never come back. Let me tell you something very important, because those people walked through the door, they have left footprints on your life. You get to decide what you want to do with the damage they left behind!

When someone leaves, you have to take time to clean up their mess, and declutter your mind. When you have allowed someone to live with you for quite some time, you may grow attached to them and soon it’s like they belong inside your house. They become apart of the beautiful structure you have spent your entire life working on and making your own. This in itself is a surreal thing to even think about, but such a blissful experience to endure. Think about it, allowing some else to be apart of something you have created is not something that should be taken lightly. That goes for both the person being invited in and the one allows them inside.

Maybe, you are a minimalist and don’t have much furniture or decorations and that is fine. That could mean that you find your meaning in the nothingness around you and even that in itself is beautiful. Maybe you are like me and have tons of pictures, quotes, sentimental items, etc laying around your house. Whatever it is, it is yours and holds value to you personally. Don’t take that for granted, embrace everything you own. Be thankful for every thought, emotion, and feeling that you have because it is what makes up your own mental house.

Taking a spin on this whole comparison, you have realize that you must be willing to leave your house and visit someone else’s. Meaning that, you have to be ready to explore someone’s mind, listen to their thoughts, feel their emotions, genuinely. You can’t stay home forever. You have to be open to changing your decorations, moving your furniture, and re-doing certain rooms in your house. Let me explain this deeper, when you meet someone, you are exposing yourself to their inner thoughts, feelings, energy, everything! If you think you are going to walk away from them, the same person you were when you met them, you are mistaken. Being exposed to other perspectives will alter you own, sometimes subconsciously, this isn’t a bad thing. Everyone you meet whether they benefit you or destroy you, serves a grand purpose in your life. Even the smallest of interactions could make or break you. For example, if you meet a homeless guy on the side of the road and he tells you a quote, you are more than likely going to remember him, especially if this quote is relevant to you. You may enjoy it so much, that you decide to display on it on a wall and read it everyday, in return you will prosper, grow, and become a better person all because of a small experience, that seemed meaningless at the time. You will be surprised how much something so small can mean.

In contrast, you may meet an unpleasant person, who may try to set your house on fire. Be cautious of who you are around, and also whose house you go into. Sometimes, you are going to discover that you don’t like what is inside, and that’s okay. At least you took the time to go inside, explore, and walk away knowing that you don’t feel safe and secure with that person. Your own mind can fool you, so it is wise to say that you have not known someone into they expose you to all their rooms and what is in them. This simply doesn’t happen overnight. You can visit someone’s house a million times, and not know anything about them, because you didn’t look deeper, or you weren’t allowed to. If you decide that the experience you were exposed to isn’t going to benefit you, then it really is quite simple. Here’s what you do, you take whatever you can from this person, metaphorically speaking, and document it for your own use. Take the contents of the experience and place it on the bookshelf in your mind. So, when you are wondering in your house, walk into a room, you will notice it laying right there. You have the option to revisit this memory, or allow it to collect dust. What is important is that remember it and take away wisdom from it. Don’t pretend like it never happened, because once someone walks into your house, you can’t get rid of the mark they made on your soul.  That doesn’t have to be a negative thing, you decide!

The people you meet will always be apart of you and you have the power to decide how you want to interpret that. We all hope to find one person whom we can explore each other’s house together. Remember not to abandon your house and make a home in theirs. You can’t possibly expect to get comfortable and leave behind everything you have worked on. Don’t lose yourself, by trying to find someone else! Bring both lives two together and continue to build something together. A relationship can be compared to a house as well, don’t remodel what you have already created, add-on to it. When you come together with someone, you are building a new room from scratch. You two decide what colors to paint the walls, what memories you want to create, and ultimately bring the entire thing to life. It takes too people in this, because the room is something YOU BOTH CREATED. So, if one person walks away, and leaves the other one behind, that person must leave too, allowing the room to remain in it’s current state. This applies to any type of relationship here, don’t think about this as strictly romantic occurrences. Bittersweet, isn’t it?

I think I could continue to expend to this idea all day long, and I very well may update this post later on, but right now I just want to get it out to the world.

Every experience is worth having, find it’s value to your life 😀

 

 

 

 

Consequences Make You Who You Are

By being thankful for every single thing that happens to me and not having any expectations is what keeps me feeling alive. I don’t allow fear to set in, because I know that no matter what happens, I will have experienced something and learned from it. It’s all about being in the moment and allowing things to flow. Don’t try to make the pieces fit together, just let life happen. When you start to reflect on your life, you will see how the pieces fit together naturally. For the first time, I feel like I am on the verge of understanding and conquering my anxiety. I’m in a state of complete mindfulness and nothing feels better than this.

I feel like the key to feeling alive is to practice mindfulness every single moment of your life and maintaining an attitude of gratitude. The key is to start appreciating everything you have in your life in the moment. You must let go of any and all negative energy, because even the smallest ounce can drag you down without you realizing it. When I speak of negative energy, it could be a person who is bringing you down, literally anything you feel isn’t going to benefit your life. You must let go of all judgement from other people and most importantly you must stop judging yourself. You are a human being, like everybody else in this world. It is up to you to be aware of what you are doing in your life and how you decide to feel about it. For example, just because you live your life a certain way doesn’t mean it is wrong, good or bad. It just means that you are doing what feels right for you at that time. Even if later on you realize that what you did wasn’t the best decision, it doesn’t mean you should get upset over it.

A personal example for me is hooking up with someone random one night while I was super drunk and what I thought was even worse is that it wasn’t the first time I have done something like that. At first, I felt the same old feelings of shame, regret and guilt. But, I started to look at the situation differently. I finally understood that it doesn’t matter what the situation looks like in “black and white” and it doesn’t matter what it looks like to everyone else. The only thing that matters is my happiness and I had to find a way to be okay with something I didn’t believe was okay. So, instead of beating myself up over it, I embraced every single emotion for what it was. I felt used, like a slut, because I allowed a stranger to have sex with me. But, I enjoyed it. That’s what I couldn’t escape from and the fact that I enjoyed it, bothered me at first. Then, I decided why not be okay with that? It happened and it wasn’t bad. It just isn’t something I want to happen all the time. Something clicked inside of me. Suddenly, I wasn’t concerned with “feeling dirty”, “feeling like a slut”, or being “easy”. I can smile thinking about that night and the one that followed it, because I learned something critical about myself from that night. I am in control of my actions while I’m sober, and if I choose to drink obsessively I better be prepared to face to the consequences. Basically, I owned up to my actions and took responsibility. I didn’t put blame on the alcohol, or being in a weird state of mind. I simply looked at it as an experience instead of a mistake.

Let me emphasis on this, because it has been a life changing sentence for me here lately. When you view things that happen to you in your life as mistakes, waste of time, or any other negative way, you are cheating yourself from the opportunity of fulling understanding why that happened. Furthermore, you are closing your mind to the negative thoughts and soon enough begin to feel negative about the situation or event. If you change your perspective on what happened and simply open your mind to the idea that whatever happened/happens is a NOT bad thing and nothing that you do is ultimately wrong. Life is about being alive and by doing so, you clearly make memories with others and act a certain way at a certain time. By being non-judgmental to yourself, you allow yourself to grow into someone you never imagined you could be. Once you let go of all that judgment, you will sense a feeling of relief and peace start to creep up on you. All of a sudden, you are no longer a victim to your self-conscious. By being aware of what you are doing and choosing to not feel any way about them allows you to be free and to live life to the fullest. The only person holding you back from happiness is yourself. Most of the time the only person judging you is yourself. Let that sink it for a minute.

Elaborating on this topic, I would say that it is also best to let go of all expectations. The future is simply something that we can not predict, but we can create. The truth is, we can never know what is going to happen 100% of the time, and I have learned to embrace it. Think about it, if you knew exactly what was going to happen, would life even be enjoyable? It’s almost as if life is a huge mystery and every day you uncover a new chapter. I truly embrace every single day now. Another personal example is today. I am off work, enjoying some Pandora-playing my favorite tunes-, drinking a damn good cup of coffee(quality-local brand), and writing down all these amazing thoughts, while glancing out of the window, noticing how beautiful the sunlight looks in my front yard. It is the smallest things, that mean the most to me. I feel like there is nothing more I could be doing. I quit being so hard on myself with all the expectations. Of course, I have goals, wants, and dreams, that I am going to work towards, but I do believe it is critical to take time to enjoy whatever it is you feel like doing in that moment. There is not a way to ever predict these moments. Trust me. I have told myself for days and days, that I was going to write when I arrived at home, or the next day off I am going to do this and that. But, for the past couple of weeks, I felt that I needed to really reflect and take in every single detail around me, and by doing so, something life-changing would occur. I knew that by taking a step back from writing, that I would discover the things I would later write about. Like, I understood that simply experiencing life and not worrying about writing it down, would result in better writing in the future, aka now. I am over-loaded with ideas, thoughts, inspiration, and overall full of positive energy. Just by writing this blog, I can understand that I have WAY WAY too many thoughts to try to put a title on it. Therefore, consequences make you who are, fits perfectly to me. Everything you do in this life is molding you into someone new, you just have to decide who you want to be, and what who you want to grow into. I could go on and on, and I plan to. But suddenly, I want to look at tattoos. So, that’s exactly what I am going to do. Be in the moment and things will start to work out for you. LAW OF ATTRACTION, next blog 😉

Expectations: Letting Go

Expectation means having a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

Every single one of us struggle with our own personal expectations everyday. But, we can change that, by letting them go. Personally, this is has been very difficult for me, because at one point in my life I told myself I was going to let go of all expectations. I thought I had, but lately I have been extra moody, up and down, and feeling not myself. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me until today. I read this article on Facebook: http://www.the-open-mind.com/3-ways-youre-making-your-life-harder-than-it-has-to-be/. Everything suddenly makes more sense. I am struggling with a huge wave of disappointments. Instead of living my life in the moment and taking things as they present themselves to me, I had previously made expectations about how my life should be. For example, I had to quit my job a couple of weeks ago, because it was such a negative environment and it was causing me great stress. Now, I see that I could have been happier there if I would of let go of my expectations. I expected it to be a great place to work with fun people I could learn from. So, when I found out it wasn’t going to be that I was greatly disappointed. Another example, is my relationship with my boyfriend. This past week I have wanted to leave him, because I haven’t been happy. Now, I understand why, it is because he isn’t the person I expected him to be. Not in a bad way, but my mind was telling me it was bad that he isn’t exactly what I thought he would be. Nobody is going to be what you expected. Nobody could ever live up to someone’s standards 100% of the time. We have to learn to let go of what we think of someone and accept who they are. Keeping in the mind that people change, as we change ourselves. It is all apart of life. If you aren’t changing then you may not be growing as an individual.

The last expectation that has been weighing on my mind is my fitness journey. I expected that I would have a six pack by now, show more definition in my body, and be healthier. I didn’t think that things would be this hard, or that I would fail many many times before I would succeed. I am still trying to do better. I have to let go of how I think I should look, or feel and just be thankful for how I feel and look right now. Smile, take a deep breath, and tell myself things can only get better from this moment on. IF, I want them to. I can’t see progress if I keep looking behind me.

So, how do I let go of my expectations once and for all? I suppose the only way is to practice mindfulness. By realizing that the only thing that exists is the here and now. Things are going to happen the way the are meant to happen. Worrying about how they are going to occur isn’t going to change things. Stressing over “what if’s” and “wish I would of’s”, isn’t going to benefit you in any way.  The constant weight of disappointments can leave you feeling depressed and moody. That isn’t how life should be. We have to realize we do not have control of every situation, we only have control over how we react to a situation. We can control our own emotions and thoughts, but not the events going on around us. Letting go of the things we can not control, will ultimately change our own perspective of our life.

Now that I have found out the source of my unhappiness, I must find a way to change things within myself. I am still on my path of healing. I started this blog over a year ago, and I am not completely okay yet with my mental state. And to be honest, I probably won’t ever be 100% okay with it, because everyday there is going to be a new challenge I am going to have to face. Another anxiety to work on, or even something from my past I am going to have to let go of. The journey is an on-going process for me, that is something that I shouldn’t ignore. I won’t stop trying to get better and from this point on I will try my hardest not to have any expectations in my life. I will accept the way things are and let go of how I think they should be.

Alone is Home

Alone is Home

Safe in the shadows of the world

Hoping to be invisible to all that is around

Eventually quietness surrounds her soul

 Soon the sadness from the past comes flooding in

Memories rise back to the surface

Those she thought were buried long ago

They cannot be forgotten and shouldn’t be remembered

Pain left unhealed, wounds left still bleeding

Scars of yesterday gradually fading away

Only to reappear tomorrow the same as they were today

Wishing the future would soon appear

Because happiness awaits in that far horizon

In which the sun has secretly already set in

It feels so far away, yet it is so near

She feels powerless and unable to change a thing

Agony starts building up inside her mind

Suffocating the present moment

Drowning her with mixed emotions creating her personal apocalypse

Knowing only one can save her from herself

To rescue her from this place she visits too often

This place of emptiness, this state of being alone

This place that is starting to feel a lot like her home

A poem I wrote when I was having thoughts about my past relationships. I wanted my ex to be the one to take away all the pain but now I know that I was always the only one who could rescue myself from the emptiness.

Wishful Thinking Advice

As defined, Wishful thinking is the formation of beliefs and making decisions according to what might be pleasing to imagine instead of by appealing to evidence, rationality, or reality. It is a product of resolving conflicts between belief and desire.

For many people, such as myself, I used to live my life based on wishful thinking. This is a very unhealthy and harmful way to live your life. With any situation, you should always “hope for the best, and expect the worst”. With my previous relationship, I spent the first 6 months expecting the worst. For example, I always thought he was going to walk out on me. (Which he did, but that’s beside the point.) I thought he was going to cheat on me, turn into some asshole, or I would find out something dark about him. All that anxiety and worry was built up in my mind every single day. When you are constantly thinking negative thoughts about your life or someone in it, it really can hurt you. Only thinking positive thoughts can hurt you as well. You wouldn’t think that always looking on the bright side, or having hope could be a bad thing. It’s all about balancing the good and the bad. You have to balance your thoughts and learn how to control them. For me, this has been a very difficult process.

Within the last months of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I wasn’t even in the present moment. I was so caught up in wishful thinking that I failed to enjoy the days spent with him. In my head, I thought I was going to marry this man. No questions asked. I honestly that he was the one for me. This is not the first time I have had wishful thinking in a relationship. I also thought these same things about other guys in my past. My relationship with my ex-boyfriend was the best one I have had so far, so it only made wishful thinking that much worse. Wishful thinking is not a bad thing. Just like anything else, you can have too much of a good thing. If you strictly only think about the good outcomes, you will be much more disappointed if things do not go your way. I have learned my lesson, over and over again. You can only get your hopes up and your heart broke so many times before something finally clicks. A wake-up call. Slap in the face by reality. Of course, it is going to be a constant struggle. It is not easy at the beginning. But you have to start somewhere when managing your thoughts.

Start by living your life for the moment. In reality, all we ever have is the moment. You have the accept the fact that you have no control over what is going to happen in the future with other people. Sure, you can prepare for your own future and in a way you will determine your own future. For example, you can control your education, job, and what not. But, you can control how other people are going to treat you. It doesn’t matter how much you worry, the truth is you never really know when someone will be out of your life. Death may take them away. They may chose another path and you might lose contact with them. Whatever happens, it is beyond your control.

When it comes to “dating”, wishful thinking can be a HUGE problem. Personally, I always wanted to find ONE guy to settle down with and share my life with ONLY them. That’s not a problem to have that vision for myself, the problem was thinking it was a certain person too soon. You really have to take time to get to know someone before having those thoughts. Sure, have wishful thinking but always realize the facts and come back to reality. For example, I have been sleeping with this guy for a month or so. At first, I didn’t look into it, told myself it was going to be a one-night stand. Due to mine and his emotional state things have been dragged on longer. At one point, I thought we were going to get together. I was being naive. At the time, I was pissed off when he told me this but it actually makes a lot of sense. He told me one night when I was upset and questioning him about his confusing actions. He says, “Just because a guy is nice to a girl, takes a girl out, she can be good company but that doesn’t mean he wants to be with her.” My wishful thinking was going on and that crushed me at that moment. I was not in any emotional state to even be in a relationship especially with a guy I barely know and who has his own emotional battles going on. I always think about what he said because it is the truth. When dating someone you are getting to know them and enjoying their company. You have to give you relationship time to develop. It is scary when feelings start happening because you become more vulnerable and wishful thinking will come more frequent. It is true, I do care for Doug right now but I have accepted the facts. The truth is we are still getting to know each other and we both have a lot of emotional work to do before we could ever be in a relationship with anymore. It is difficult, especially for a woman, not to gain feelings for a man. Especially, if you are having sex with them. I have learned how to control my emotions. I tell myself every time I see Doug. It is going to be a good time. I may never hear from him again but I will enjoy my time with him instead of worrying about what I can not change.

That’s how the dating game should go. I am still learning this myself but it has really helped me from getting my feelings hurt. If you only look at things for the moment, try not to put so much hope into someone too soon, your emotions will balance themselves out. At least, this strategy has been working for me. In the past, I met a guy, enjoyed his company, and jumped into a relationship with him from the very beginning! This is the reason why I believe my past relationships have failed. It is necessary to really take some time to get to know that person before you can make that decision. I mean, you are only choosing to share your life with someone, give them your love, invest your time, and risk your heart. No big deal, right? Be smart and be honest with yourself. Do not convince yourself that you are going to end up with a certain person. Accept the fact that you may get hurt again, but remember you can get through it. Nothing is ever set in stone. It is a constant risk allowing someone in your life. It is up to you how you decide to deal with your thoughts and emotions. Facing reality and being logical seems like common sense. It is hard when you get yourself caught up in wishful thinking. Always remember that your wishful thinking is only thoughts of what you want to happen but don’t forget that they may not come true. Look at all the possibilities of your situation. Accept each and every outcome. Once you accept every outcome, you are setting yourself up for success. You may still get your hopes up, you may still get your heart broken, but at least you will be able to get through it easier because you have already accepted it. By living in the moment, I have saved myself from many disappointments and I have enjoyed my life incredibility more than when I was constantly anxious for the future or caught up in wishful thinking.

Poetic Feelings

Poetic Feelings

I wouldn’t take back any of the days that we spent together.I wouldn’t wish my life any different than it is right now.

Yet I find myself thinking if only the moments we lived with one another were longer. But I can’t ponder.

I must go on each and every day and learn to leave those who walked away.

They always seem to find their own stealthy way to creep into the cracks of my mind.

Between the holes in my wall I continue to build up so high. Soon I’ll be hearing the words they used to say.

Holding back the tears I try not to cry. I must not let these thoughts consume me.

Although the pain feels like needles running through my veins. I have to remain in the here and now. But how?

There is no way to completely forget the love I gave to you. Remembering our past is becoming a difficult task.

The life we made will only continue to fade. Even as time flies by I still question why?

Decisions you made will forever be yours to own and it’s not my fault you never picked up the phone.

Maybe you’re a little too lost to understand yourself maybe I’m too far gone to care.

The reasons you left will always be yours to hold. Our future we planned will never unfold.

This is your fate that you planned. Goodbye. That date is craved on our conscious for the rest of our lives.

So every time i start missing you, it wasn’t me it was you who was through.

I gave you my all and you watched me fall. I must never regret feeling any of the emotions

I felt for you because at one time they were true.

We must live and learn. Love and forgive.