Tag Archives: relationships

Burnt Out

I am in a completely new phase that I didn’t imagine I would ever go through. I legitimately do not want to pursue a relationship with another guy right now. I don’t want to meet anyone new, go out on a date, or even fall in love. I feel as if this is the first time in my life that I am ready to go through the hardships of being alone for an long amount of time. I have always been the type of person to want to be in a relationship, due to many factors and reasons that I am still discovering today. I am discovering myself for the first time in my life.

I have realized that taking some serious time to myself is going to greatly help me get to a better mindset and a healthier emotional state. I have to listen to my spirit and protect myself by taking time to heal from the experiences I have been through. Without taking time to seriously reflect, separate myself, I don’t think I will genuinely be able to grow. Due to the circumstances with guys, I have decided to remove myself from all situations.

I deleted my Tinder.

I cut off those who won’t worth my time and who only wanted to use me.

I don’t have many conversations with guys, because I don’t want to be presented with an romantic, sexual, or any potential opportunity that could present itself.

Right now, I have to surround myself with friends and let go of all other distractions.

It’s about time I gave myself the biggest reality check of them all.

I have reached that point to where I am burnt out and want nothing more than to spend some time single.

Any desire, hope, dream, or idea of a relationship has been crushed, destroyed, or dismissed.

I am finally ready to embrace this reality and take in all the emotions that come with being 100% single.

Here’s to yet another beginning and another path on my journey in this life!

Recognizing Patterns

I don’t know about you guys, but I make a mental note about every experience I have with every person I spend time with. I think it is a very smart and wise decision to observe those who you allow to be apart of your life. You have to take in everything about them, from how they talk to what kind of hobbies they have. You must ask them questions about their life and actually get to know who they are. Also, you must ask yourself how do you feel around this person? What kind of activities do you practice when you are spending time together? How is the relationship between the two of you? Do you two get along? Have things in common? Do they make you happy? Upset?

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself if the person are you spending time with is having a positive or negative affect on you. You owe it to yourself to maintain a mental journal of all of the relationships you have with others. You have to be aware of them, because sometimes it is not easy to spot someone who may be bringing you down. On the other hand, you may not realize how much someone means to you, until you really think about why you continue to allow them in your life.

As an individual, it is your responsibility to make judgments and observations about the people you meet, who you call your friends, and even those who are apart of your family. Once you start mentally noting how they affect you and what kind of person they are, you can determine whether or not you want to be involved with them. There are some people who may be draining your energy or bringing bad vibes into your life and you may be too distracted by your expectations and thoughts of them that you fail to realize how they truly are.

It is easy to create an illusion in your mind due to the thoughts you are thinking. You need to give yourself time to judge someone, because you want to give them a fair shot, but you also don’t want to drag out the amount of time you spend with them. Most of the time, we are oblivious to how people really are because we have created this mental image of how we want them to be, and/or how we want the relationship to go. For example, this could be with a friend. You may think the friendship is strong and worth keeping, but if they aren’t investing as much time and energy as you are, then you should focus your energy and time elsewhere.

Remember to always recognize the patterns with those you are in contact with. If negative things happen too often when you are involved with them, then you have to decide what is best for you. If things are going great, you may be worrying too much about the bad, so you should take time to let those concerns go. Take a step back and analyze the relationships in your life, figure out who is worth your time, and swift your energy into all relationships that are going to benefit you. This can be a devastating process. More than likely, you are going to have to minimize your friends, cut people out of your life, and start building relationships with people who you previously didn’t think you should. No matter how tough this is, or how many people you lose; you have to understand this cleanup is required.

Start recognizing patterns and watch positive ones come into play!

 

A Splash of Positivity

KNOW YOUR WORTH!

Be prepared to spend time in a state of unexpected solitude at any given moment of your life. Sometimes, it necessary to close doors, in order to open new opportunities in your life. It is better to be alone reflecting on what it is your truly desire, than to be around someone who isn’t for-fulling that desire. If you surround yourself with people who are not meeting your standards, who leave you wanting something more, and who simply don’t care to invest time into you, then walk away. You deserve to get as much out of a situation as you are putting into it. Do not allow people to manipulate you, belittle you, make you feel guilty for wanting more, etc. You are obligated to cut people off who are not benefiting you. Yes, it may be selfish. At times, you may doubt yourself. But, you must understand there is a bigger picture being painted and you are the one in control of making sure that picture is a masterpiece. It’s your life and you only get one chance. Don’t cheat yourself by being surrounded by those who are going to use you, take advantage of you, or drain your energy. Be picky and don’t ever feel bad about doing what is best for you and your goals, dreams, and desires. If something or someone is in the way, then be done with it! Raise your standards. I promise you a life spent in solitude is more beneficial than always hoping for something more with someone else. If you want something, then you have the right to have it!

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Inviting Others Into Your “House”

I was sitting here drinking my usual cup of hazelnut coffee with the blinds open, allowing the sun to radiate through the window and onto my skin this morning. The warmth from the rays felt so relaxing and welcoming. I opened my computer and seen my reflection on the screen, observing how the sun was shining on my skin. What I realized is that this whole experience is extremely metaphoric.

Meeting someone new, is like the sun’s rays. Warm and inviting. You want to know more about them, you want to allow them in, to come inside your house, not just shine through your window. It can be very tough to decide whether or not you want to unlock your door. At times, you may choose to go outside and lock to door behind you. Which, is the safest and most secure way of doing things when meeting someone brand new. You wouldn’t just unlock the door to your house and allow anyone you don’t know inside, exposing them to all of your valuables and personal items.

Really, thinking about this deeper, I believe your body, soul, and mind is like a house. You will open the door at some point, whenever you feel is right, and allow a person into your life exposing them to the good and bad parts of your body, mind, and soul. It’s tough, sometimes we aren’t proud of our house, maybe there’s something that needs to be worked on such as the walls need to be painted. This could be compared to a struggle you are going with personally and therefore, you may not feel comfortable allowing a strangers to see your walls full of scratches, holes, and chipped paint. Please, understand that if you decide to cover up the walls with pictures, decorations, or even a fresh coat of paint, that whatever happened to the wall hasn’t been erased. It runs much deeper than that, you have to be willing to look at into your thoughts and figure out what it is that you need to do to make peace with it. This wall isn’t going anywhere and if you try to tear it down, the entire house goes with it. The wall is apart of you now and for as long as you live.

It can be difficult to allow a person into your life, even if they have good intentions, because if you are like me, we have all had our fair share of disappointments. What hurts the most is when you decide you are going to invite someone in, you expose them to your house and all the rooms (different parts of you) you let them explore and get comfortable, only for them to walk out of the door and leave everything behind them. You begin to relate this person to the feeling of coming home and next thing you know you realize that you only feel at home when they are with you. But, you have to remember that the only thing that has changed is them. You still have your house, your walls, your rooms, and your things. Your mind for instance is much like a room of your house. All the emotions, feelings, and thoughts make up a room to your house. Everything that has happened to you as been gathered together and made in your own perspective. You are the creator, you have designed your room to be exactly the way you want it to be. If you don’t like the way your room looks, you can simply change it. You have that power and that’s the beauty of this entire correlation. You may have one thought, which leads to many thoughts, but you may have to explore deeper in order to find the true meaning of why things are the way they are. If you take a look at your room, you will notice that everything in there defines you in some way. There is a reason everything lays where it is now. You may disagree, and argue that you didn’t put certain thoughts into your mind. This is true, but you also may not realize what you have done is taken a thought from someone else and sat down inside the room and forgot about. Now, you are stuck with it and have to figure out where it goes, and trust me you will find a place for it. Even if it means that you must throw it away, because at times you will realize that you have to clean up and get rid of thoughts that no longer serve their purpose to you. Embrace this, we all have trash to take out.

Another thought I have is that you need to build up the pieces of your house to be more stable and supportive, in order to prepare you for someone else’s company. It can be overwhelming when you allow someone to come into your space and if you aren’t ready for it, then you are more likely to push them out of the door, or remove them from your life. It takes some serious time to work on your house and you must be willing to put in that work. This is especially crucial if you have allowed someone into your house, and they didn’t respect you or appreciate you. One of the most painful things to go through, is allowing someone to walk in the door of you mind, relax in your thoughts, and explore your body and then, they walk out and never come back. Let me tell you something very important, because those people walked through the door, they have left footprints on your life. You get to decide what you want to do with the damage they left behind!

When someone leaves, you have to take time to clean up their mess, and declutter your mind. When you have allowed someone to live with you for quite some time, you may grow attached to them and soon it’s like they belong inside your house. They become apart of the beautiful structure you have spent your entire life working on and making your own. This in itself is a surreal thing to even think about, but such a blissful experience to endure. Think about it, allowing some else to be apart of something you have created is not something that should be taken lightly. That goes for both the person being invited in and the one allows them inside.

Maybe, you are a minimalist and don’t have much furniture or decorations and that is fine. That could mean that you find your meaning in the nothingness around you and even that in itself is beautiful. Maybe you are like me and have tons of pictures, quotes, sentimental items, etc laying around your house. Whatever it is, it is yours and holds value to you personally. Don’t take that for granted, embrace everything you own. Be thankful for every thought, emotion, and feeling that you have because it is what makes up your own mental house.

Taking a spin on this whole comparison, you have realize that you must be willing to leave your house and visit someone else’s. Meaning that, you have to be ready to explore someone’s mind, listen to their thoughts, feel their emotions, genuinely. You can’t stay home forever. You have to be open to changing your decorations, moving your furniture, and re-doing certain rooms in your house. Let me explain this deeper, when you meet someone, you are exposing yourself to their inner thoughts, feelings, energy, everything! If you think you are going to walk away from them, the same person you were when you met them, you are mistaken. Being exposed to other perspectives will alter you own, sometimes subconsciously, this isn’t a bad thing. Everyone you meet whether they benefit you or destroy you, serves a grand purpose in your life. Even the smallest of interactions could make or break you. For example, if you meet a homeless guy on the side of the road and he tells you a quote, you are more than likely going to remember him, especially if this quote is relevant to you. You may enjoy it so much, that you decide to display on it on a wall and read it everyday, in return you will prosper, grow, and become a better person all because of a small experience, that seemed meaningless at the time. You will be surprised how much something so small can mean.

In contrast, you may meet an unpleasant person, who may try to set your house on fire. Be cautious of who you are around, and also whose house you go into. Sometimes, you are going to discover that you don’t like what is inside, and that’s okay. At least you took the time to go inside, explore, and walk away knowing that you don’t feel safe and secure with that person. Your own mind can fool you, so it is wise to say that you have not known someone into they expose you to all their rooms and what is in them. This simply doesn’t happen overnight. You can visit someone’s house a million times, and not know anything about them, because you didn’t look deeper, or you weren’t allowed to. If you decide that the experience you were exposed to isn’t going to benefit you, then it really is quite simple. Here’s what you do, you take whatever you can from this person, metaphorically speaking, and document it for your own use. Take the contents of the experience and place it on the bookshelf in your mind. So, when you are wondering in your house, walk into a room, you will notice it laying right there. You have the option to revisit this memory, or allow it to collect dust. What is important is that remember it and take away wisdom from it. Don’t pretend like it never happened, because once someone walks into your house, you can’t get rid of the mark they made on your soul.  That doesn’t have to be a negative thing, you decide!

The people you meet will always be apart of you and you have the power to decide how you want to interpret that. We all hope to find one person whom we can explore each other’s house together. Remember not to abandon your house and make a home in theirs. You can’t possibly expect to get comfortable and leave behind everything you have worked on. Don’t lose yourself, by trying to find someone else! Bring both lives two together and continue to build something together. A relationship can be compared to a house as well, don’t remodel what you have already created, add-on to it. When you come together with someone, you are building a new room from scratch. You two decide what colors to paint the walls, what memories you want to create, and ultimately bring the entire thing to life. It takes too people in this, because the room is something YOU BOTH CREATED. So, if one person walks away, and leaves the other one behind, that person must leave too, allowing the room to remain in it’s current state. This applies to any type of relationship here, don’t think about this as strictly romantic occurrences. Bittersweet, isn’t it?

I think I could continue to expend to this idea all day long, and I very well may update this post later on, but right now I just want to get it out to the world.

Every experience is worth having, find it’s value to your life 😀

 

 

 

 

DEMONS, DEMONS

“Demons” represent any negative thoughts or energy that may haunt you. For me, demons are things that have hurt me in the past, anything that upsets me or fears in general. Sometimes, I want to stay in the negativity and allow myself to get upset. We are all guilty of this. I just wanted to share and see what the world thinks, I have struggled with anxiety and some depression my entire life, and sharing this allows me to release some of that.

DEMONS, DEMONS

Demons, Demons I don’t know if I am running away or chasing after you?

These thoughts are killing me, yet aide me in such a twisted way
Everyday, loneliness keeps me company, and so do you.

I can’t seem to escape from you, but do I really want to?

Demons, Demons, you’re following me it seems

But, am I holding your hand?

Have I given you the coordinates to my destination?

Or is it you that already knew my plan?

Maybe I don’t want you gone, maybe I want you to come along.

What if, I am running from some, and welcoming others?

Pleasure is laced with darkness sometimes,

Pain wears an unrecognizable disguise.

How could I even tell the difference?

Are you dragging me down or am I pulling you along?

We are inseparable, that is the truth.

I must admit it. I want you here. Yes all of you.

Demons, Demons, you are part of me

It is you that has me chained, and I can’t get free.

Whether or not I have the choice, I’ll never be too sure

Because once I sense you’re not around

I feel myself searching for you once more.

Demons, Demons, oh how I despise you

Thoughts racing through my mind just to remind me

That this game we play, will never be through

You’re to stay, it is might as well be true.

If you were to leave me now, new ones would surely find me

Demons, Demons oh how I embrace you.

 I enjoy the sensations you create inside me.

Oh, I crave the chaos sometimes.

So, I’ll stop running for the slightest moment.

Just to allow you to attack me, harass me, and destroy me once again.

Demons, demons I wouldn’t be myself without you.

Eventually I’ll start to flee and pretend that it’s you I’m running from,

yet we both know that this isn’t over, and this will never be done.

Discover Yourself

Do you ever feel as if your life is out of your control? Maybe you don’t even know who you are anymore. You may be living your life day to day feeling as if there isn’t a meaning to what you are doing. You may even feel like you don’t want to be alive and that there is no point to life. Are you experiencing feelings of self-doubt, hopelessness, anxiety, depression, emptiness, loneliness,stress, uneasiness, nervousness, or tension? Do you feel like there is something missing from your life, but you can’t seem to figure out why or what could be causing you to feel this way. Have you ever considered that you should take some time to yourself in order to figure out what is going on inside of you?

I felt this way for many years and I had no idea what could possibly be wrong with me. I felt scared, alone, and out of control for far too long. One way I filled this void was investing my life into someone else’s. I thought that I needed to be in a relationship with someone, so that these feelings would subside. When I was going through these emotions, I didn’t even realize what they were. I honestly didn’t realize that what I was doing was completely toxic and unhealthy. I have been consumed in different relationships with several guys throughout my life. It didn’t occur to me that I didn’t know who I was, because I was distracted by the relationship with them. I didn’t think about myself, or the things I wanted. I didn’t have any personal goals. I had no clue what self-improvement even meant. By being addicted to the feeling of being in love, I was distracted from the truth. I was completely unaware that by putting all my energy and focus into another person, I would develop co-dependency issues. I didn’t know that one day, I would be left so extremely heartbroken, that it would cause me to be physically sick for months.

How did I allow myself to get attached to another person in a way that completely destroyed me? By not taking time to myself. I didn’t realize “I” even existed. So, when that day came and my world as I knew it fell into a million pieces, I had to discover myself. I had to figure out exactly what I wanted out of MY life. I had no other choice but to come face to face with myself. I was a stranger to my own soul. I never had a relationship with myself and didn’t have any knowledge of where to start. So, I started writing and suddenly everything started to make sense.

I have learned more about myself in the past 2 years than my entire life combined, because I have spent time alone. I was in a place previously where I feared being alone. I didn’t want to sleep in the bed, go to the store, or go anywhere for that matter by myself. I was so dependent on another person being around me, that when the time came for me to be alone, I had no clue how to act. Now, I crave solitude. I believe it is critical to living a for-fulling life. You have to be able to understand yourself, love yourself, and create a relationship with yourself before you could ever do that with another person. This is something I didn’t understand nor did I feel like I was capable of doing.

Being addicted to the feeling of being in love, is not an easy cycle to break. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever break the cycle because I enjoy being in love, but there is a difference in my mentality. I understand how important it is to take time to figure out exactly what is going on in my head, in order to fathom the thoughts I am thinking. Also, during this time I can observe my feelings and understand why I am feeling a certain way. In my past, I didn’t take time to understand my thoughts or emotions, so I felt lost and vulnerable all the time.

You must understand that taking time to yourself is not an option. It is not something you can just decide you are not going to do. It is not something that should not be taken lightly. It is highly important you set aside time to reflect on your life. Then, from there you must understand why you are experiencing what ever it is you are going through. You must decide what the best for you. Now, this is where it gets tricky, because doing what is best for yourself is not always going to be something you want to do.

To sum this up, I strongly believe that when you spend time alone, you awaken your soul. You have to really listen to your thoughts and be gentle with yourself. You are not perfect, you are flawed. You have made mistakes, and will continue to do so. It is your responsibility to learn from your past experiences and set yourself up for a bright future.

By taking time alone, you will be able to focus on what it is you what out of your life. Don’t put anyone else in the picture when you are thinking about your life.(If you have kids, this doesn’t apply to you, because obviously you have to take their lives into consideration. Do not include significant others.) It may be hard, but know it is necessary for you to do. Once you remove all attachments from your mind, you will be left with just yourself. During this time, figure out what it is you enjoy doing, and what you would like to do more of. Start making goals and plan to do things that are going to benefit you. Whether that be going to the gym or playing your favorite game. You decide what makes you happy and nobody has any right to challenge you on that. Once you practice taking time to yourself, you will feel awake and aware. You will feel like a completely new person and the person you have been previously will no longer exist. You will be reborn.

I must emphasis that having a relationship with yourself is the most important part of your life, because once you discover who you are, you will feel a new type of happiness you could have never imagined before.

Consequences Make You Who You Are

By being thankful for every single thing that happens to me and not having any expectations is what keeps me feeling alive. I don’t allow fear to set in, because I know that no matter what happens, I will have experienced something and learned from it. It’s all about being in the moment and allowing things to flow. Don’t try to make the pieces fit together, just let life happen. When you start to reflect on your life, you will see how the pieces fit together naturally. For the first time, I feel like I am on the verge of understanding and conquering my anxiety. I’m in a state of complete mindfulness and nothing feels better than this.

I feel like the key to feeling alive is to practice mindfulness every single moment of your life and maintaining an attitude of gratitude. The key is to start appreciating everything you have in your life in the moment. You must let go of any and all negative energy, because even the smallest ounce can drag you down without you realizing it. When I speak of negative energy, it could be a person who is bringing you down, literally anything you feel isn’t going to benefit your life. You must let go of all judgement from other people and most importantly you must stop judging yourself. You are a human being, like everybody else in this world. It is up to you to be aware of what you are doing in your life and how you decide to feel about it. For example, just because you live your life a certain way doesn’t mean it is wrong, good or bad. It just means that you are doing what feels right for you at that time. Even if later on you realize that what you did wasn’t the best decision, it doesn’t mean you should get upset over it.

A personal example for me is hooking up with someone random one night while I was super drunk and what I thought was even worse is that it wasn’t the first time I have done something like that. At first, I felt the same old feelings of shame, regret and guilt. But, I started to look at the situation differently. I finally understood that it doesn’t matter what the situation looks like in “black and white” and it doesn’t matter what it looks like to everyone else. The only thing that matters is my happiness and I had to find a way to be okay with something I didn’t believe was okay. So, instead of beating myself up over it, I embraced every single emotion for what it was. I felt used, like a slut, because I allowed a stranger to have sex with me. But, I enjoyed it. That’s what I couldn’t escape from and the fact that I enjoyed it, bothered me at first. Then, I decided why not be okay with that? It happened and it wasn’t bad. It just isn’t something I want to happen all the time. Something clicked inside of me. Suddenly, I wasn’t concerned with “feeling dirty”, “feeling like a slut”, or being “easy”. I can smile thinking about that night and the one that followed it, because I learned something critical about myself from that night. I am in control of my actions while I’m sober, and if I choose to drink obsessively I better be prepared to face to the consequences. Basically, I owned up to my actions and took responsibility. I didn’t put blame on the alcohol, or being in a weird state of mind. I simply looked at it as an experience instead of a mistake.

Let me emphasis on this, because it has been a life changing sentence for me here lately. When you view things that happen to you in your life as mistakes, waste of time, or any other negative way, you are cheating yourself from the opportunity of fulling understanding why that happened. Furthermore, you are closing your mind to the negative thoughts and soon enough begin to feel negative about the situation or event. If you change your perspective on what happened and simply open your mind to the idea that whatever happened/happens is a NOT bad thing and nothing that you do is ultimately wrong. Life is about being alive and by doing so, you clearly make memories with others and act a certain way at a certain time. By being non-judgmental to yourself, you allow yourself to grow into someone you never imagined you could be. Once you let go of all that judgment, you will sense a feeling of relief and peace start to creep up on you. All of a sudden, you are no longer a victim to your self-conscious. By being aware of what you are doing and choosing to not feel any way about them allows you to be free and to live life to the fullest. The only person holding you back from happiness is yourself. Most of the time the only person judging you is yourself. Let that sink it for a minute.

Elaborating on this topic, I would say that it is also best to let go of all expectations. The future is simply something that we can not predict, but we can create. The truth is, we can never know what is going to happen 100% of the time, and I have learned to embrace it. Think about it, if you knew exactly what was going to happen, would life even be enjoyable? It’s almost as if life is a huge mystery and every day you uncover a new chapter. I truly embrace every single day now. Another personal example is today. I am off work, enjoying some Pandora-playing my favorite tunes-, drinking a damn good cup of coffee(quality-local brand), and writing down all these amazing thoughts, while glancing out of the window, noticing how beautiful the sunlight looks in my front yard. It is the smallest things, that mean the most to me. I feel like there is nothing more I could be doing. I quit being so hard on myself with all the expectations. Of course, I have goals, wants, and dreams, that I am going to work towards, but I do believe it is critical to take time to enjoy whatever it is you feel like doing in that moment. There is not a way to ever predict these moments. Trust me. I have told myself for days and days, that I was going to write when I arrived at home, or the next day off I am going to do this and that. But, for the past couple of weeks, I felt that I needed to really reflect and take in every single detail around me, and by doing so, something life-changing would occur. I knew that by taking a step back from writing, that I would discover the things I would later write about. Like, I understood that simply experiencing life and not worrying about writing it down, would result in better writing in the future, aka now. I am over-loaded with ideas, thoughts, inspiration, and overall full of positive energy. Just by writing this blog, I can understand that I have WAY WAY too many thoughts to try to put a title on it. Therefore, consequences make you who are, fits perfectly to me. Everything you do in this life is molding you into someone new, you just have to decide who you want to be, and what who you want to grow into. I could go on and on, and I plan to. But suddenly, I want to look at tattoos. So, that’s exactly what I am going to do. Be in the moment and things will start to work out for you. LAW OF ATTRACTION, next blog 😉