Tag Archives: self discovery

Current Thoughts: Blog Origins, Self-Discovery, Writing

Sometimes, I ask myself why am I living my life this way? Wouldn’t it just be easier to go back to college, get a normal job, and just settle into society’s standards. That’s self-doubt and it sucks. It is something I am sure we are all struggling with among many other emotions. That’s why I started this blog, because I wanted to understand my emotions and ultimately conquer them completely. In 2014, I was at the lowest point I have ever been due to foot surgery and break-up ending all at once. I had invested an incredible amount of time and energy into a relationship based upon this fantasy in my head and also I felt like my college degree was useless, because I feared the worst. In less than 4 months, my entire life was turned upside down. I also had an heated discussion with my dad, more like me telling him exactly how I felt, but the anger and hurt came out, so needless to say, we haven’t talked since. Also, my best-friend at the time quit talking to me all together. I think it was like a 10 year friendship, suddenly gone. I was spiraling down.

(The first month I was taking my pain medication mainly, because I was depressed and numbing out was the solution. I wasn’t overtaking my medication, but I made sure not to miss one dose. I know I have an addictive personality and I had to remember that when I thought about getting more of these to take after I took the last pill. Thankfully, I never actually took anymore, but I know not everyone else is not in the same boat. I live in a neighborhood where many people are addicted to them and I don’t want to go down that path. I have seen where it leads. So, I decided to deal with the pain through writing, because that’s all I felt I had left. Whoa, the emotions coming up as I reflect upon that dark time in my past.

Now, I’m wondering if this blog is too personal? Or am I just being vulnerable? Either way, I feel like the only way that we can truly learn from one another is to open up about some of our deepest struggles.

Alcohol soon became a new friend to me over the years 2014-2016. I went through a 3 month straight downward spiral, I would drink about 3-4 beers almost every night. One day, I realized that I was going down the wrong path yet again with alcohol. Honestly, I have always made regretful decisions when I drank too much. So, the next day I quit. Then, last year 2016, alcohol took it’s grip on me again. I was drinking regularly but not always getting drunk. Then, one night I decided to drive when I shouldn’t have. I didn’t want to stay with the person I was drinking with due to personal reasons. Anyway, long story short, I was arrested and was in the booking/holding areas for like five hours. It felt like the longest night I ever lived. I was completely dehydrated, just worked a double, tired, starving, and emotional. Then, I had to face my parents who had been waiting hours for me to be released. I don’t want to talk too much about what happened, because

I am still on probation. More to come 7/7/17.

777, I wonder if that has some significant meaning. I will have to research that later.

Anyways, this blog become a place for me to escape and get real with myself through sharing my experiences with the world. I have made many of my past blogs private due to the amount of personal information shared. At the time, I was writing under this blog anonymously. In recent years, I have wanted to share some of my writings with my family, friends, and people I meet. I wanted to write about the early struggles that brought me to writing and share why I think it is important to write down what you are thinking, feelings, and what you want out of life. This is where things may get a little inspirational for you. Each person interprets information, images, words, etc with their own perspectives which act as filters to create their own meaning of what they experience. Whether it’s music, art, writing, and other creative personal journeys we are all experiencing something that we have imagined in our minds. I have thinking a lot about different theories and perspectives about life and manifestation the life you want by setting intentions, being mindful, being creative, and and practicing gratitude.

I suppose that by writing about my struggles allows me to understand them more, share the experience with others, and truly heal from past experiences. This entire blog lead me to a path of self-discovery. That is why I feel so attached to it and want to continue to envision things for this blog in the future. I want to help others heal from their wounds by understanding their emotions and ways towards living a more positive, healthy lifestyle based on their personal goals and dreams. I feel strongly that I may be able to do that with this blog.

One of my biggest realizations is that I desire to travel. I decided that I am going on a road-trip next year. Hopefully for three months. I am extremely nervous, but I am ready to make this a reality. The feeling I get when I think about discovering new places in nature and being disconnected from the city is unlike anything I can really describe. The power of wanderlust is so deeply integrated within me. I have been experiencing very vivid day-dreams and even dreaming at night about beautiful nature landscapes and the open road. This dream is alive. And that’s something that I want people to think about.

If this is my dream, what is yours? Imagine if we all starting dreaming up a new way of life? A new way of living. A new society. I get so pumped up thinking about the future and all of the positive changes that are already taking places in all the different communities. We are uniting and deciding that in order to see change is the be the change and that is another part of my life mission. Being the change is something that inspires me daily to do what I do. I have many ideas on ways I want to bring inspiration and positivity into people’s lives.

Anyway’s this is my first blog I have written in awhile. Thank you for supporting me on my journey during this life. In a way this is simply an online diary. And a travel blog in the future. Feel free to comment with your journey.

 

Burnt Out

I am in a completely new phase that I didn’t imagine I would ever go through. I legitimately do not want to pursue a relationship with another guy right now. I don’t want to meet anyone new, go out on a date, or even fall in love. I feel as if this is the first time in my life that I am ready to go through the hardships of being alone for an long amount of time. I have always been the type of person to want to be in a relationship, due to many factors and reasons that I am still discovering today. I am discovering myself for the first time in my life.

I have realized that taking some serious time to myself is going to greatly help me get to a better mindset and a healthier emotional state. I have to listen to my spirit and protect myself by taking time to heal from the experiences I have been through. Without taking time to seriously reflect, separate myself, I don’t think I will genuinely be able to grow. Due to the circumstances with guys, I have decided to remove myself from all situations.

I deleted my Tinder.

I cut off those who won’t worth my time and who only wanted to use me.

I don’t have many conversations with guys, because I don’t want to be presented with an romantic, sexual, or any potential opportunity that could present itself.

Right now, I have to surround myself with friends and let go of all other distractions.

It’s about time I gave myself the biggest reality check of them all.

I have reached that point to where I am burnt out and want nothing more than to spend some time single.

Any desire, hope, dream, or idea of a relationship has been crushed, destroyed, or dismissed.

I am finally ready to embrace this reality and take in all the emotions that come with being 100% single.

Here’s to yet another beginning and another path on my journey in this life!

Discover Yourself

Do you ever feel as if your life is out of your control? Maybe you don’t even know who you are anymore. You may be living your life day to day feeling as if there isn’t a meaning to what you are doing. You may even feel like you don’t want to be alive and that there is no point to life. Are you experiencing feelings of self-doubt, hopelessness, anxiety, depression, emptiness, loneliness,stress, uneasiness, nervousness, or tension? Do you feel like there is something missing from your life, but you can’t seem to figure out why or what could be causing you to feel this way. Have you ever considered that you should take some time to yourself in order to figure out what is going on inside of you?

I felt this way for many years and I had no idea what could possibly be wrong with me. I felt scared, alone, and out of control for far too long. One way I filled this void was investing my life into someone else’s. I thought that I needed to be in a relationship with someone, so that these feelings would subside. When I was going through these emotions, I didn’t even realize what they were. I honestly didn’t realize that what I was doing was completely toxic and unhealthy. I have been consumed in different relationships with several guys throughout my life. It didn’t occur to me that I didn’t know who I was, because I was distracted by the relationship with them. I didn’t think about myself, or the things I wanted. I didn’t have any personal goals. I had no clue what self-improvement even meant. By being addicted to the feeling of being in love, I was distracted from the truth. I was completely unaware that by putting all my energy and focus into another person, I would develop co-dependency issues. I didn’t know that one day, I would be left so extremely heartbroken, that it would cause me to be physically sick for months.

How did I allow myself to get attached to another person in a way that completely destroyed me? By not taking time to myself. I didn’t realize “I” even existed. So, when that day came and my world as I knew it fell into a million pieces, I had to discover myself. I had to figure out exactly what I wanted out of MY life. I had no other choice but to come face to face with myself. I was a stranger to my own soul. I never had a relationship with myself and didn’t have any knowledge of where to start. So, I started writing and suddenly everything started to make sense.

I have learned more about myself in the past 2 years than my entire life combined, because I have spent time alone. I was in a place previously where I feared being alone. I didn’t want to sleep in the bed, go to the store, or go anywhere for that matter by myself. I was so dependent on another person being around me, that when the time came for me to be alone, I had no clue how to act. Now, I crave solitude. I believe it is critical to living a for-fulling life. You have to be able to understand yourself, love yourself, and create a relationship with yourself before you could ever do that with another person. This is something I didn’t understand nor did I feel like I was capable of doing.

Being addicted to the feeling of being in love, is not an easy cycle to break. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever break the cycle because I enjoy being in love, but there is a difference in my mentality. I understand how important it is to take time to figure out exactly what is going on in my head, in order to fathom the thoughts I am thinking. Also, during this time I can observe my feelings and understand why I am feeling a certain way. In my past, I didn’t take time to understand my thoughts or emotions, so I felt lost and vulnerable all the time.

You must understand that taking time to yourself is not an option. It is not something you can just decide you are not going to do. It is not something that should not be taken lightly. It is highly important you set aside time to reflect on your life. Then, from there you must understand why you are experiencing what ever it is you are going through. You must decide what the best for you. Now, this is where it gets tricky, because doing what is best for yourself is not always going to be something you want to do.

To sum this up, I strongly believe that when you spend time alone, you awaken your soul. You have to really listen to your thoughts and be gentle with yourself. You are not perfect, you are flawed. You have made mistakes, and will continue to do so. It is your responsibility to learn from your past experiences and set yourself up for a bright future.

By taking time alone, you will be able to focus on what it is you what out of your life. Don’t put anyone else in the picture when you are thinking about your life.(If you have kids, this doesn’t apply to you, because obviously you have to take their lives into consideration. Do not include significant others.) It may be hard, but know it is necessary for you to do. Once you remove all attachments from your mind, you will be left with just yourself. During this time, figure out what it is you enjoy doing, and what you would like to do more of. Start making goals and plan to do things that are going to benefit you. Whether that be going to the gym or playing your favorite game. You decide what makes you happy and nobody has any right to challenge you on that. Once you practice taking time to yourself, you will feel awake and aware. You will feel like a completely new person and the person you have been previously will no longer exist. You will be reborn.

I must emphasis that having a relationship with yourself is the most important part of your life, because once you discover who you are, you will feel a new type of happiness you could have never imagined before.

From the Outside, Looking In

This was something I wrote awhile back and I hope to share it the world and see what people have to say about my opinions.

Who is to question how we must live our lives? Who is to judge the importance of our actions? An individual’s view of their own lifestyle is the only thing that should truly be important to anyone, we the people should respect each and everybody’s perspective on life.  We should not try to change anyone nor mold them to be alike. Difference and originality is what this world is lacking, open minds and honest hearts seem to be vague
these days. We must interfere in our personal undertakings before we destroy ourselves beyond repair.

What if what we perceive isn’t really the truth? What if there is more that we aren’t seeing? Everything we have ever known, everything we have always believed in, things that we have been taught to be the truth and the people we have honored, we take it in without any question. What if these topics were challenged, and looked into farther than the surface. What would we find? Would everything be just how we see it now, or would more truths come into light. Would we be able to accept the idea that we are silently being manipulated into an illusion of reality?  A false vision of how we are supposed to live our own lives? What if everything you thought was right turned out to be wrong? We are lost.

We have ventured onto a path filled with self-destruction. A path so cruel that you don’t even realize you are fading away from living life. How do we gain the courage to turn around and see where we started from? How have we come this far without questioning why we are going this way? We may never have the answers we seek if we don’t stop in our tracks and ask ourselves what it is that would make us happy. Use your imagination, really take time to think impossible thoughts, and then decide what’s important?

Once your back is turned and you decide to go in reverse, things may seem foggy, less clear. But that is the point, how exactly did we all get here? Why must we travel down this road that we have been placed upon? What if we decide to take this stand and move in another direction? Stop this madness, be yourself. How can you even know who you are if you are too busy trying to fit into this idea of society. We are humanity.

Ever since we can remember our lives have consisted of going to school to obtain an education in order to get a job, buy a car, get married and invest in a house, then start a family; repeat. The next generation will then do the same; we need to get out of this routine. Slow down and analyze what is going on around us. We must view our lives as a third party and break apart every action and ask ourselves why are we living this way? Most people will think to themselves that it is the only choice they have to be happy and succeed in life. We are missing pieces to this puzzle.

There is more out there than we have knowledge of and the question is why has this knowledge been pushed aside? We are blindly being controlled and shown how to live our lives. From day one, we start out in elementary school and are taught everything we need to live this life.  We are put into a system, and other people decide what is important to be taught in school. Yet, have you ever considered what you learned could be false or pieces of the story may me missing? Truth be told, people learn what the system wants them to learn and nothing more. We are not being challenged enough, our potential isn’t being met. We are so much more than what we are becoming. Knowledge is all around us, yet we are oblivious. We must expose ourselves to history, science, and nature. We must push ourselves to learn more than what we are tested on in school. Certain people don’t want us to have knowledge that is why we are all treated the same, and taught in the same way.  We are being dumbed down and we don’t even know it. If you don’t believe this statement, try to read a book written a few hundred years ago. You will find it is very difficult to follow, and many words will seem foreign to you. Take the time to analyze some of these words you cannot understand and think to yourself, how come these words were never exposed to me?

The truth is words are powerful. If we were to broaden our vocabulary it could benefit us in many ways. If we don’t know any better than what we are taught, how would we know if we were being controlled or manipulated? Do you know the difference between fact and fiction?  We are responsible to educate ourselves in this world and we must not ignore this.