Embracing where I have been lately has been really tough, especially as I continue to learn more about myself and what things I would love to starting doing. I have felt myself change, so much over the past 6 months. There have been many up and down periods and currently I feel myself stepping back into my power. There have been some emotional things come up in my life that I wasn’t ready to handle. Mainly, by the outer world events and the political drama. Ever since I discovered who Bernie Sanders is I feel like my entire mind has been awakened to the issues of this country. I have spent many days thinking about what is happening and what could I possibility do to make things better. Also, much time has been spent watching documentaries, political and educational videos, blog posts, Facebook videos, mainstreams media. Not to mention all the different opinions I have read, perspectives, ideas, solutions, etc. I have exposed myself to another layer of our reality and it has been hard for me to accept. I realize now that I must have balance in my life. I spent so much time worried about the problems and thinking about the terrible events that it begun to drain my energy. Especially after going the Philly, volunteering for the Green Party, and attending other protests/rallies. I feel absolutely exhausted from it all. I have to remember that I have to give myself time to let all the information sink in. I have decided that I better start focusing on solutions and ways that I can contribute to the planet and the people. That can be tough, especially when I have always been so introverted. I have also realized my fear of rejection has increased due to my resent breakup. It always hurts to not be with someone who I told, “I love you to everyday.”, but knowing that I still am going to be friends with him is comforting and even confusing at times. Yet, I am trusting love the best way I know how to and also knowing that things are happening the way that it is meant to. I have to remind myself that my thoughts are going to shape my reality. So, I am trying to become more aware of my thoughts. It has been a tough at times, because I find myself getting lost in a thought and then experiencing my feelings based on whatever I am thinking. Some thoughts are harder to resist than others, especially if the emotions are strong, and even traumatic. It is easy to get lost and maybe feel down a little when this happens. One of the most important things I like to keep in mind is that it is okay it feel negative feelings. It doesn’t mean that it is good or bad. I have been too judgmental with myself and realized that I am the one who is pressuring myself and that there is not anyone else holding any expectations on me. I am the one who decides what I want to do with my life and it doesn’t matter what anyone has to say. I find myself caring about what people think sometimes, and it can cause social anxiety. Which is something very real that nobody ever wants to talk about. I know I even don’t like to think about it, but I think it is important for me too. I strongly believe that when I look at my problems right in the face and call it out for exactly what it is, usually through writing, I discover that it really healing. Sometimes, I have too many thoughts, and trying to listen to them all is really tiring, so I have been practicing meditation. Someone I listened to said something like this, “Think of your thoughts like clouds in the sky. You don’t have to listen to them, you can let them just float right by.” Basically, I am becoming aware of the thoughts that case me suffering and to experience emotions, by simply choosing to think about other things. I am doing much rewiring and unlearning. I feel like I am literally transforming into someone else… Perhaps, I am really learning who I am and realizing that I am not who I thought I was. I have spent much of my time thinking about the future or the past, causing much anxiety. Anxiety has caused me to struggle in basically every area of my life. It has been a true challenge to do things I know I have to do. Sometimes, I don’t eat correctly, have trouble being around others, feeling panic, and confused overall. Yet, I always find the power inside me to call anxiety out for what it is and not allow myself to get lost in the emotions. Panic attacks are definitely a real thing. Last year, I totally freaked out, because I randomly got lost somewhere I felt I should not be lost in, my phone died, and I was suppose to be back at work, but obviously I was late and couldn’t call anyone. There was a negative voice judging the entire event in my head. The fact was is that everything was going to be okay, no matter what. I have realized that most of the panic attacks were called from believing what was happening in my thoughts was actually happening in real life! I was experiencing emotions, because of my thoughts and ever since then it is as if something has clicked for me. I feel more in control of my life. I am more accepting of what happens without judging it as bad or good.
For the past couple of months, I have been overloaded with tons of thoughts, ideas, and emotions. I am torn between many different paths in my life at the moment. I am trying to accomplish all of my goals. It is very tough to balance all of my interests and what I would like to do at any given time. I have huge goals involving writing, reading, cooking, fitness, travel, and obtaining new interests all the time. I want to start making jewelry, homemade soaps/lotions/etc, maybe even do some candles, oatmeal mixes (other fitness related foods I could sell). I would love to become self-sufficient and not need to actually work all the time. My creativity is through the roof and it is hard to focus on one thing. I am trying to sort through all of these things and still live my life in “society”. Yet, where I am happiest and free is in nature. What a struggle, especially living in Nashville, TN which is growing by the minute, literally!
I am also diving into spirituality pretty hard and constantly learning new perspectives about the universe and myself. I am healing my emotional pain from the past, while growing stronger everyday and creating new relationships. So, yeah between social situations, alone time, work, and doing the basics. I find myself struggling to find the time to get everything done that I would like. Trust me, this blog isn’t me complaining, just venting this out, so I can discover which path to focus on at the moment. I figured I would write a little bit about it and see where my mind goes. Tons of blog posts are in progress either mentally, or in drafts on this site.
I strongly want to see this blog turn into something amazing and profitable one day. I know that if I put my concentration into the right sources, all of my goals and dreams stand a chance to come to life.
Whoa, I feel exhausted, but at the same time fully alive. I mean, what more could I ask for? I am never bored, without something to do, or someone to talk to. My life is grand actually, but I have to start focusing on ONE thing at a time, instead of allowing all of this to swirl around in my mind, resulting in me freezing up and doing nothing but staring into blank space…
This is a picture of how I feel. My hand open for whatever the universe decides to throw at me!
“In the midst of my chaos, I found an ounce of clarity!”
Donald Trump is winning the presidential race in America. It makes me very sad and a little nervous. I really wish I had the power to stop what he is doing, but obviously I don’t. I only hope that by sharing posts, talking about politics, and writing this blog; maybe I can make a slight impact.
Well, when I woke up this morning, I jumped on Facebook because I could not fall back to sleep. I started seeing political posts mainly for Bernie Sanders and then I came across an article about a man who decided to go “undercover” at a Donald Trump Rally.
After reading this article, I have been left with a “bad taste” in my mouth. This is definitely disturbing to say the least. This guy was brave and seriously had some guts to walk into a Trump rally and start socializing with his supporters. My social anxiety would be through the roof being surrounded by people who are judgmental, negative, and close-minded.
I hope people start to do the same thing as the man in the article and open their minds to another perspective. Hopefully for Bernie Sander’s message, because they definitely will feel the positive energy and good vibes associated with his words. Every time I think about Trump and his message, a darkness creeps in my mind as well. I don’t want to think about him anymore honestly. I want to focus on the good things going on and not stress about other truths at the moment. I could continue on with this post, but my thoughts have already gotten to me enough. I simply wanted to vent a little and share this article, because I think it is worth reading, especially if you are a Trump supporter.
Please realize you must be the change if you want see the change in the world and that’s what I am hoping to do in this life.
It is way too easy to get caught up into thinking about the past, or worried about what is going to happen tomorrow.
Start by embracing every moment all the time.
Note what it is you are doing, thinking, and feeling as often as you can.
When you acknowledge what you are doing, it gives it deeper meaning and greater purpose.
By being aware of your thoughts, you can have a better understanding of them.
By realizing how you feel it teaches you how to deal with your emotions and allows you to figure out why you feel a certain way.
You have to keep your mindset right here, right now as much as you possibly can.
I was sitting here drinking my usual cup of hazelnut coffee with the blinds open, allowing the sun to radiate through the window and onto my skin this morning. The warmth from the rays felt so relaxing and welcoming. I opened my computer and seen my reflection on the screen, observing how the sun was shining on my skin. What I realized is that this whole experience is extremely metaphoric.
Meeting someone new, is like the sun’s rays. Warm and inviting. You want to know more about them, you want to allow them in, to come inside your house, not just shine through your window. It can be very tough to decide whether or not you want to unlock your door. At times, you may choose to go outside and lock to door behind you. Which, is the safest and most secure way of doing things when meeting someone brand new. You wouldn’t just unlock the door to your house and allow anyone you don’t know inside, exposing them to all of your valuables and personal items.
Really, thinking about this deeper, I believe your body, soul, and mind is like a house. You will open the door at some point, whenever you feel is right, and allow a person into your life exposing them to the good and bad parts of your body, mind, and soul. It’s tough, sometimes we aren’t proud of our house, maybe there’s something that needs to be worked on such as the walls need to be painted. This could be compared to a struggle you are going with personally and therefore, you may not feel comfortable allowing a strangers to see your walls full of scratches, holes, and chipped paint. Please, understand that if you decide to cover up the walls with pictures, decorations, or even a fresh coat of paint, that whatever happened to the wall hasn’t been erased. It runs much deeper than that, you have to be willing to look at into your thoughts and figure out what it is that you need to do to make peace with it. This wall isn’t going anywhere and if you try to tear it down, the entire house goes with it. The wall is apart of you now and for as long as you live.
It can be difficult to allow a person into your life, even if they have good intentions, because if you are like me, we have all had our fair share of disappointments. What hurts the most is when you decide you are going to invite someone in, you expose them to your house and all the rooms (different parts of you) you let them explore and get comfortable, only for them to walk out of the door and leave everything behind them. You begin to relate this person to the feeling of coming home and next thing you know you realize that you only feel at home when they are with you. But, you have to remember that the only thing that has changed is them. You still have your house, your walls, your rooms, and your things. Your mind for instance is much like a room of your house. All the emotions, feelings, and thoughts make up a room to your house. Everything that has happened to you as been gathered together and made in your own perspective. You are the creator, you have designed your room to be exactly the way you want it to be. If you don’t like the way your room looks, you can simply change it. You have that power and that’s the beauty of this entire correlation. You may have one thought, which leads to many thoughts, but you may have to explore deeper in order to find the true meaning of why things are the way they are. If you take a look at your room, you will notice that everything in there defines you in some way. There is a reason everything lays where it is now. You may disagree, and argue that you didn’t put certain thoughts into your mind. This is true, but you also may not realize what you have done is taken a thought from someone else and sat down inside the room and forgot about. Now, you are stuck with it and have to figure out where it goes, and trust me you will find a place for it. Even if it means that you must throw it away, because at times you will realize that you have to clean up and get rid of thoughts that no longer serve their purpose to you. Embrace this, we all have trash to take out.
Another thought I have is that you need to build up the pieces of your house to be more stable and supportive, in order to prepare you for someone else’s company. It can be overwhelming when you allow someone to come into your space and if you aren’t ready for it, then you are more likely to push them out of the door, or remove them from your life. It takes some serious time to work on your house and you must be willing to put in that work. This is especially crucial if you have allowed someone into your house, and they didn’t respect you or appreciate you. One of the most painful things to go through, is allowing someone to walk in the door of you mind, relax in your thoughts, and explore your body and then, they walk out and never come back. Let me tell you something very important, because those people walked through the door, they have left footprints on your life. You get to decide what you want to do with the damage they left behind!
When someone leaves, you have to take time to clean up their mess, and declutter your mind. When you have allowed someone to live with you for quite some time, you may grow attached to them and soon it’s like they belong inside your house. They become apart of the beautiful structure you have spent your entire life working on and making your own. This in itself is a surreal thing to even think about, but such a blissful experience to endure. Think about it, allowing some else to be apart of something you have created is not something that should be taken lightly. That goes for both the person being invited in and the one allows them inside.
Maybe, you are a minimalist and don’t have much furniture or decorations and that is fine. That could mean that you find your meaning in the nothingness around you and even that in itself is beautiful. Maybe you are like me and have tons of pictures, quotes, sentimental items, etc laying around your house. Whatever it is, it is yours and holds value to you personally. Don’t take that for granted, embrace everything you own. Be thankful for every thought, emotion, and feeling that you have because it is what makes up your own mental house.
Taking a spin on this whole comparison, you have realize that you must be willing to leave your house and visit someone else’s. Meaning that, you have to be ready to explore someone’s mind, listen to their thoughts, feel their emotions, genuinely. You can’t stay home forever. You have to be open to changing your decorations, moving your furniture, and re-doing certain rooms in your house. Let me explain this deeper, when you meet someone, you are exposing yourself to their inner thoughts, feelings, energy, everything! If you think you are going to walk away from them, the same person you were when you met them, you are mistaken. Being exposed to other perspectives will alter you own, sometimes subconsciously, this isn’t a bad thing. Everyone you meet whether they benefit you or destroy you, serves a grand purpose in your life. Even the smallest of interactions could make or break you. For example, if you meet a homeless guy on the side of the road and he tells you a quote, you are more than likely going to remember him, especially if this quote is relevant to you. You may enjoy it so much, that you decide to display on it on a wall and read it everyday, in return you will prosper, grow, and become a better person all because of a small experience, that seemed meaningless at the time. You will be surprised how much something so small can mean.
In contrast, you may meet an unpleasant person, who may try to set your house on fire. Be cautious of who you are around, and also whose house you go into. Sometimes, you are going to discover that you don’t like what is inside, and that’s okay. At least you took the time to go inside, explore, and walk away knowing that you don’t feel safe and secure with that person. Your own mind can fool you, so it is wise to say that you have not known someone into they expose you to all their rooms and what is in them. This simply doesn’t happen overnight. You can visit someone’s house a million times, and not know anything about them, because you didn’t look deeper, or you weren’t allowed to. If you decide that the experience you were exposed to isn’t going to benefit you, then it really is quite simple. Here’s what you do, you take whatever you can from this person, metaphorically speaking, and document it for your own use. Take the contents of the experience and place it on the bookshelf in your mind. So, when you are wondering in your house, walk into a room, you will notice it laying right there. You have the option to revisit this memory, or allow it to collect dust. What is important is that remember it and take away wisdom from it. Don’t pretend like it never happened, because once someone walks into your house, you can’t get rid of the mark they made on your soul. That doesn’t have to be a negative thing, you decide!
The people you meet will always be apart of you and you have the power to decide how you want to interpret that. We all hope to find one person whom we can explore each other’s house together. Remember not to abandon your house and make a home in theirs. You can’t possibly expect to get comfortable and leave behind everything you have worked on. Don’t lose yourself, by trying to find someone else! Bring both lives two together and continue to build something together. A relationship can be compared to a house as well, don’t remodel what you have already created, add-on to it. When you come together with someone, you are building a new room from scratch. You two decide what colors to paint the walls, what memories you want to create, and ultimately bring the entire thing to life. It takes too people in this, because the room is something YOU BOTH CREATED. So, if one person walks away, and leaves the other one behind, that person must leave too, allowing the room to remain in it’s current state. This applies to any type of relationship here, don’t think about this as strictly romantic occurrences. Bittersweet, isn’t it?
I think I could continue to expend to this idea all day long, and I very well may update this post later on, but right now I just want to get it out to the world.
Every experience is worth having, find it’s value to your life 😀
“Demons” represent any negative thoughts or energy that may haunt you. For me, demons are things that have hurt me in the past, anything that upsets me or fears in general. Sometimes, I want to stay in the negativity and allow myself to get upset. We are all guilty of this. I just wanted to share and see what the world thinks, I have struggled with anxiety and some depression my entire life, and sharing this allows me to release some of that.
Demons, Demons I don’t know if I am running away or chasing after you?
These thoughts are killing me, yet aide me in such a twisted way
Everyday, loneliness keeps me company, and so do you.
I can’t seem to escape from you, but do I really want to?
Demons, Demons, you’re following me it seems
But, am I holding your hand?
Have I given you the coordinates to my destination?
Or is it you that already knew my plan?
Maybe I don’t want you gone, maybe I want you to come along.
What if, I am running from some, and welcoming others?
Pleasure is laced with darkness sometimes,
Pain wears an unrecognizable disguise.
How could I even tell the difference?
Are you dragging me down or am I pulling you along?
We are inseparable, that is the truth.
I must admit it. I want you here. Yes all of you.
Demons, Demons, you are part of me
It is you that has me chained, and I can’t get free.
Whether or not I have the choice, I’ll never be too sure
Because once I sense you’re not around
I feel myself searching for you once more.
Demons, Demons, oh how I despise you
Thoughts racing through my mind just to remind me
That this game we play, will never be through
You’re to stay, it is might as well be true.
If you were to leave me now, new ones would surely find me
Demons, Demons oh how I embrace you.
I enjoy the sensations you create inside me.
Oh, I crave the chaos sometimes.
So, I’ll stop running for the slightest moment.
Just to allow you to attack me, harass me, and destroy me once again.
Demons, demons I wouldn’t be myself without you.
Eventually I’ll start to flee and pretend that it’s you I’m running from,
yet we both know that this isn’t over, and this will never be done.